Anybody who knows me in the world outside the Internet (yes, that's right kids, there IS a world away from the computer screen) will know family is something that's caused me a fair bit of heartache over the years. Honestly though, I don't know of anybody whose family-life is actually 'normal' - whatever normal actually means.
Sometimes I wish I could walk away from my family and never look back; just cut them out of my life and cut away all the pain and trauma they cause me, and live a simpler life without them. Unfortunately it's not that easy for me, trust me, I've tried that route and I can't switch off my emotions like that. Or maybe I don't want to. Maybe somewhere within me is the happy girl from my childhood that saw family as a happy, safe, fun and loving place to be and isn't ready to give that up yet.
Over the years the main cause of conflict in my family has swapped around a bit - starting with my aunt, then my dad for many years, another aunt and my sister. I actually have a lot of respect now for that first aunt. Me and my Dad can be a bit volatile (we both have a tendency to be very opinionated and stubborn) but on the whole it's a pretty happy set up. So I should have some hope for the other aunt and my sister, right? This is going to sound cold, but I'm just not that bothered about sorting things with my aunt. I don't see her often, and don't miss the fact that I don't see her either.
My sister though, that's another matter. I never seem to be able to walk away from her. I'm like that proverbial moth going back time and again to the flame that burns it every time. She has the ability to hurt me like pretty much nobody else on earth can. On the odd occasion she graces home with her presence I'm like a fucking puppy around her, bringing her toys and doing stupid things on the off chance that she'll throw some affection my way. I don't want her calling me every day, or us living in each other's pockets - it would be suffocating and is a totally unrealistic expectation. What I do want is to have a sister who picks up the phone or texts me occasionally because she wants me in her life. I finished one of my jobs on Thursday; it was an emotional and actually quite hard day. I did get a text from her - asking me if a friend of mine could get someone she knows on TV (long and quite dull story I'm not boring you with). She knew it was when I was finishing work, and she knows how hard I find endings. Not a word about that though, instead it was about her. Always about her. Actually that's a lie, it's always about her or my aunt and her kids and grandkids.
I think about my sister, I call her, I do things for her, I love her and I want her in my life. I thought that's what siblings did for each other. Apparently not.
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