My best friend got wed yesterday. I don't know if I can really put into words the range of emotions I felt throughout the course of the day. What I do know is that there is a 'lovely' photo of me in tears that my friend posted on facebook for the world to see: thanks Caz for that! It's a very strange feeling when friends marry, it took me a lot to get my head around Caz marrying five (?) years ago and this one wasn't any easier. I've spent a large amount of my twenties trying to ignore I'm technically an adult; something which is not getting any easier the closer I get to thirty. Watching friends marry is very much a slap in the face of a reminder that we are now adults and not teenagers anymore.
Jenn's been my friend since we were thirteen and passing notes in German about Arran on Byker Grove and how cute he was with his leather necklace - yes, we did even buy ourselves one and call it our Arran Band! This formed a sturdy base to what became a very good friendship in college which has continued through uni and to today. So when she and her lovely lovely husband were stood up there dedicating their lives to each other I was suddenly struck with an image of her in her Arran Band and school uniform, and the tears began for the first time of the day.
Chatting with her mum with tears flowing for I think the fourth time of the day we tried to make sense of the feelings - that everything has changed but everything is still the same. So although I have not lost my best friend (and she's probably berating me for even suggesting this if she's reading it!) I do feel that life has shifted - like the universe has had some kind of realignment over night.
My overwhelming feeling from the day was one of immense proudness - Jenn looked absolutely beautiful and so very happy, content and comfortable. I guess if I had to pick a word to describe Jenn and Chris it would be 'comfortable' - they're fantastic friends which makes them such a good couple. Chris has been part of my life for nine years now too and he's an important friend too, separate from them as a couple. I couldn't be happier or prouder of either of them.
It really was a very nice day for a very great white wedding!
But Maybe I'm Crazy, Maybe You're Crazy, Maybe We're Crazy, Probably
People may well want to have me sectioned after this blog entry, but it's something I've been thinking about and may be sending myself more crazy than I already am (which is an ironic comment given what I'm about to write).
I've spent the last year in therapy as a requirement of my course. Well it started off as a requirement of my course and ended up being for me. I know myself better now that I ever have, but at the same time the more I've got to know the more I think there still is that I don't really know or understand. Sometimes I think I'm quite a together person, and I'm pretty sure I often present this way to people - friends, family, colleagues, clients. Other times though I think I'm about three steps away from complete meltdown crazy. I don't know if this is just me, am I the only one who questions their own sanity (at what seems to be quite frequent intervals)?? Is the very fact that I question it enough to have me locked up? Or is me questioning it a sign of me being 'normal'? I live in fear that someone will turn around and tell me I'm too screwed up to be a counsellor. That they will take away the one good thing I really love. Then the moral questions start up: if I'm thinking this then should I walk away now? Or, do I trust the process I've gone through, the assessments I have had, the therapy I have had and the supervision I have still? Or is my problem none of them... is it that I WANT to be 'crazy'?? I've always cringed away from the word 'normal' - is this me being terrified that I've healed and I've become (horror of horrors) normal?? And if I have, why is that such a bad thing?
I don't know if there are answers to my questions. Or even what the question is that I'm trying to ask. I just know that sometimes I feel so totally fucked up and that scares me. Other times I feel so total together and that scares me too.
I've spent the last year in therapy as a requirement of my course. Well it started off as a requirement of my course and ended up being for me. I know myself better now that I ever have, but at the same time the more I've got to know the more I think there still is that I don't really know or understand. Sometimes I think I'm quite a together person, and I'm pretty sure I often present this way to people - friends, family, colleagues, clients. Other times though I think I'm about three steps away from complete meltdown crazy. I don't know if this is just me, am I the only one who questions their own sanity (at what seems to be quite frequent intervals)?? Is the very fact that I question it enough to have me locked up? Or is me questioning it a sign of me being 'normal'? I live in fear that someone will turn around and tell me I'm too screwed up to be a counsellor. That they will take away the one good thing I really love. Then the moral questions start up: if I'm thinking this then should I walk away now? Or, do I trust the process I've gone through, the assessments I have had, the therapy I have had and the supervision I have still? Or is my problem none of them... is it that I WANT to be 'crazy'?? I've always cringed away from the word 'normal' - is this me being terrified that I've healed and I've become (horror of horrors) normal?? And if I have, why is that such a bad thing?
I don't know if there are answers to my questions. Or even what the question is that I'm trying to ask. I just know that sometimes I feel so totally fucked up and that scares me. Other times I feel so total together and that scares me too.
Sometimes It's Better To Be Second Best
Guess what I did last night? Yep, I continued my quest to become number one groupie for Jet Heeled Striker (a position that it looks like I have some competition for!). This time my journey took me to The Joiners in Southampton. The Joiners has a special place in the hearts of those musically inclined that grew up in and around Southampton. I have it under good authority that it has not altered in the last twenty years, and that's probably one of the great things about it - they're not show biz or image conscious: it's a place where people who love good music and new music and local music have given like minded people a place to access it. It's a place where dreams really have come true, and it's seen some famous people play inside its four walls - the likes of Oasis, Coldplay, The Libertines, We Are Scientists to name just a couple. When Adam told me that they were playing there, it felt like something really special. As brilliant as it is to be accepted to play anywhere when you're starting out and trying to get known, getting to play in The Joiners kind of felt like stepping up a level.
I do have something I need to say about going to watch them play as much as I do. As I've said, I've known Adam from school, and whether he believes me or not, I have always had faith in him and how talented he is, so of course I want to support my friend in his dreams. I'd support him regardless of whether or not I liked the music - maybe not so often but I'd still turn up! The reason I go though is because I genuinely enjoy their music, I love to watch them play and I love to watch them grow into what they're becoming and what they want to be. And last night was a really really good gig. The second song they played rocked the night for me. This will seem like an odd comparison but to me it was like a mix of early Manic Street Preachers and The Deftones. It was the music of my youth (god that makes me sound about one hundred years old). The music that made me realise that I was not the only one who felt the way I did and that other people were not happy to just accept things the way they are. It's the music that made me feel alive for the first time and still has that affect now. When I hear music like their second song it just works for me, it's music that makes sense to me. It's not the glamorous music that attracts the masses, but it's pure and honest and a bit rough around the edges. It's punk in it's attitude if not in it's sound. So the second song may be second best to a lot of people, but to me it's my favourite. Even more than Generation X. Sometimes it IS better to be second best.
I do have something I need to say about going to watch them play as much as I do. As I've said, I've known Adam from school, and whether he believes me or not, I have always had faith in him and how talented he is, so of course I want to support my friend in his dreams. I'd support him regardless of whether or not I liked the music - maybe not so often but I'd still turn up! The reason I go though is because I genuinely enjoy their music, I love to watch them play and I love to watch them grow into what they're becoming and what they want to be. And last night was a really really good gig. The second song they played rocked the night for me. This will seem like an odd comparison but to me it was like a mix of early Manic Street Preachers and The Deftones. It was the music of my youth (god that makes me sound about one hundred years old). The music that made me realise that I was not the only one who felt the way I did and that other people were not happy to just accept things the way they are. It's the music that made me feel alive for the first time and still has that affect now. When I hear music like their second song it just works for me, it's music that makes sense to me. It's not the glamorous music that attracts the masses, but it's pure and honest and a bit rough around the edges. It's punk in it's attitude if not in it's sound. So the second song may be second best to a lot of people, but to me it's my favourite. Even more than Generation X. Sometimes it IS better to be second best.
Either This Or An Anarchist
I went to see Jet Heeled Striker in Hamptons again on Saturday. I'm not going to wax lyrical about them, because I have nothing terribly new to say! They were really good, one thing that did seem different is that they seemed very relaxed on stage. They have always looked comfortable but this weekend they definitely looked relaxed and it came through in their singing and playing. I wonder if it is because they have had independent praise of how good they are (from Live & Unsigned) that has given them this boost in confidence..... what ever it is that has caused this change, it's a good thing!
So to tie in the title of the blog, Adam said on stage that they may not be playing Generation X again for a while and to enjoy it - whilst I did enjoy it as much as ever, I wanted to be a mini anarchist for the night and insist they always play it! Bit of an odd link to the title I know, but I couldn't think of anything else to put with my drug pickled brain!
So to tie in the title of the blog, Adam said on stage that they may not be playing Generation X again for a while and to enjoy it - whilst I did enjoy it as much as ever, I wanted to be a mini anarchist for the night and insist they always play it! Bit of an odd link to the title I know, but I couldn't think of anything else to put with my drug pickled brain!
Days Of Future Past
I am 18 days away from the end of my Diploma of Higher Education in Humanist & Gestalt Counselling. This is the culmination of 5 and 1/2 years worth of work to get to this point. Well, not quite. Although the course ends in 12 days I still have another 48 hours of client work to do before I qualify. But as far as studying is concerned, this is the Big Kahuna. After that I get to call myself a counsellor, I can apply for counselling jobs, I can set myself up as a counsellor running my own business. And I've never been more terrified.
I've always had a plan of action, I've known what my next step is going to be and there's been a real safety in that. Now though, I'm out there, and I'm exposed and I have to feel my way in the dark. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm trying to see it as an adventure and to be excited by it, but right now it frightens me. The realisation that I may still be doing the same shitty job for some time is enough to make a girl hit the bottle on its own.
You know that feeling of enormity, when you know something bit is about to happen and you're not sure if it's going to be brilliant or awful? That's how I feel now. I don't think I've ever felt so much at a crossroads with my past and my future. And I have no idea where that future path will take me, because it's for me to mark the way.
I've always had a plan of action, I've known what my next step is going to be and there's been a real safety in that. Now though, I'm out there, and I'm exposed and I have to feel my way in the dark. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm trying to see it as an adventure and to be excited by it, but right now it frightens me. The realisation that I may still be doing the same shitty job for some time is enough to make a girl hit the bottle on its own.
You know that feeling of enormity, when you know something bit is about to happen and you're not sure if it's going to be brilliant or awful? That's how I feel now. I don't think I've ever felt so much at a crossroads with my past and my future. And I have no idea where that future path will take me, because it's for me to mark the way.
Love Is The Drug
Jet Heeled Striker
Live & Unsigned Regional Final
Ferneham Hall
Watching Jet Heeled Striker play today was a very different experience to previously. This time it was at the Live & Unsigned Regional Final with fourteen other acts and was in the middle of the day. Their job was to wow the judges and the audience well enough to be picked as one of the seven acts going through to the next stage of the competition.
Despite really hoping they would make it, I was preparing myself to console them - I know how I feel about their music but I had no control over the rest of the audiences voted. I have mentioned before that I find it hard to watch them objectively and know if they're as good as I think they are. So it was with a nervous anticipation I settled in my chair to watch the fifteen hopefuls with my friends Sue and Nicky.
At the end of the first two acts, I was beginning to think it would be a long afternoon. They were okay, but very dull to watch, neither act kept my attention or gave me that spine tingly feeling I was hoping for. Next on were Jet Heeled Striker. Most acts were playing a song of their own and a cover version of another artists work. I've never heard them play anything but their own work - part of what I love about them is that they're not your ten-a-penny pub band doing yet another mundane version of Build Me Up Buttercup. So I was intrigued to see how they were at playing someone else's work - would it have the passion and sense of 'themness' that their own work has? They covered Johnny Cash's seminal track Ring Of Fire. Which happens to be one of my most favourite songs ever. I generally hate anyone touching my favourite tracks, I get very possessive over them and think you shouldn't mess with genius. However, I loved it. I grinned like a teenager on their first magic mushroom experience; it was bright, it was rocking, it was modern, it was Johnny Cash, it was Jet Heeled Striker, and it did justice to a fantastic song. I love the Johnny Cash version, and I honestly loved their interpretation too. They didn't just play it as a straight copy, but they kept enough of it to make it an intelligent and respectful version of a classic. I. Loved. It.
The other track they played was The First Gay President. I had that spine tingly thing that their music gives me and was so obviously missing from several of the other acts playing today. Don't get me wrong, their was some tough competition up there, and some very unique and impressive acts. What was evident today was how many good artists their are out there, and just how much success or failure is in the laps of the Gods. I really felt for those who didn't get their names read out to go through to the next round. But happily I didn't have to console my friend and his band. Seems like I was right to trust my feelings after all, other people do see what I see in these five lads from Hampshire.
I realised today that each time I see them play or hear their music I get a buzz off it. That feeling in a club when your pilled up and they're playing something like Insomnia by Faithless; the way the rhythm gets into you, it pulses through your veins and you feel invincible - that's how I feel when I see them. I get a high. A legal high this time though! Each time I've seen them has coincided with when I've had a major piece of coursework due in a couple of days after. And each time I've been so buzzing from watching them play that I've worked right through the night until the work is done - the adrenaline pulsing through my veins has inspired me and woken me up.
I love this band. I love the drug like reaction I get from watching them. And I will be racing back across the country from my best friends wedding to see them in the next round of the competition.
Live & Unsigned Regional Final
Ferneham Hall
Watching Jet Heeled Striker play today was a very different experience to previously. This time it was at the Live & Unsigned Regional Final with fourteen other acts and was in the middle of the day. Their job was to wow the judges and the audience well enough to be picked as one of the seven acts going through to the next stage of the competition.
Despite really hoping they would make it, I was preparing myself to console them - I know how I feel about their music but I had no control over the rest of the audiences voted. I have mentioned before that I find it hard to watch them objectively and know if they're as good as I think they are. So it was with a nervous anticipation I settled in my chair to watch the fifteen hopefuls with my friends Sue and Nicky.
At the end of the first two acts, I was beginning to think it would be a long afternoon. They were okay, but very dull to watch, neither act kept my attention or gave me that spine tingly feeling I was hoping for. Next on were Jet Heeled Striker. Most acts were playing a song of their own and a cover version of another artists work. I've never heard them play anything but their own work - part of what I love about them is that they're not your ten-a-penny pub band doing yet another mundane version of Build Me Up Buttercup. So I was intrigued to see how they were at playing someone else's work - would it have the passion and sense of 'themness' that their own work has? They covered Johnny Cash's seminal track Ring Of Fire. Which happens to be one of my most favourite songs ever. I generally hate anyone touching my favourite tracks, I get very possessive over them and think you shouldn't mess with genius. However, I loved it. I grinned like a teenager on their first magic mushroom experience; it was bright, it was rocking, it was modern, it was Johnny Cash, it was Jet Heeled Striker, and it did justice to a fantastic song. I love the Johnny Cash version, and I honestly loved their interpretation too. They didn't just play it as a straight copy, but they kept enough of it to make it an intelligent and respectful version of a classic. I. Loved. It.
The other track they played was The First Gay President. I had that spine tingly thing that their music gives me and was so obviously missing from several of the other acts playing today. Don't get me wrong, their was some tough competition up there, and some very unique and impressive acts. What was evident today was how many good artists their are out there, and just how much success or failure is in the laps of the Gods. I really felt for those who didn't get their names read out to go through to the next round. But happily I didn't have to console my friend and his band. Seems like I was right to trust my feelings after all, other people do see what I see in these five lads from Hampshire.
I realised today that each time I see them play or hear their music I get a buzz off it. That feeling in a club when your pilled up and they're playing something like Insomnia by Faithless; the way the rhythm gets into you, it pulses through your veins and you feel invincible - that's how I feel when I see them. I get a high. A legal high this time though! Each time I've seen them has coincided with when I've had a major piece of coursework due in a couple of days after. And each time I've been so buzzing from watching them play that I've worked right through the night until the work is done - the adrenaline pulsing through my veins has inspired me and woken me up.
I love this band. I love the drug like reaction I get from watching them. And I will be racing back across the country from my best friends wedding to see them in the next round of the competition.
The Lyrics Do Matter
It's become my 'thing' to quote lyrics or names of songs as my titles to my blog entries. The title of this one isn't a complete quote because, ironically (given the subject matter!) I don't know the actual quote. It's from a new song by Jet Heeled Striker which was played as part of tonights set at Hamptons in Southampton. Given that this is my third review of seeing them play, I guess I can now call it one of my 'things' - writing about how they were when I see them live. So here goes....
Tonights review is starting with me telling the truth about me and music. It's quite a sad admission (sad stupid, not sad upsetting) that when I hear music live that just feels right and touches something inside me in a way I can't really explain in words, I have what I can only describe as a chemical reaction to it that makes me cry. It's my belief that I cry because the music gets to me and for that space in time everything else falls away and it's like the music is in sync with my soul. The first time I remember it happening was when my parents first played me The Doors. I didn't love it instantly, I thought it was okay if not a bit loud and bangy - but I was only about 7 at the time. I did well up though and I felt an immenseness from it that I couldn't and can't explain. I do remember that day moment like it was yesterday though. Now, I'm not comparing Jet Heeled Striker to The Doors - as much as I love JHS, even I can't justify that comparison just yet. But tonight I did cry though. It was during a song which previously I've enjoyed but wouldn't class as one of my favourites, for that matter I don't even know it's name. It was a love song. Not a gushy blah blah love song, but one written for and about the disaffected Generation X that we are a part of. It was not a rock ballad, I can only describe it as being what it was. Which is one of the things I love about this band; they're not one thing or another, they're them.
Tonight I took with me two friends who are a little older than people I've previously gone with, and who are both well into their music. I was keen to know what their take on JHS was. On one of our many fag breaks of the evening, I voiced my concern to one of them that although I try to be objective about Jet Heeled Striker and how good their music is, that I can't ever really get that objectivity. She was very quick to assure me that they were indeed in her words "pretty awesome" and individual. She took a real shine to Generation X, and was more excited when she realised she could listen to it again on the way home on my i-pod! She then made me promise to take her along next time they were playing as she would love to see them again.
One of the things I've mentioned in both previous reviews is how cohesive they are as a unit. This really came through again tonight, they play like a band rather than five individuals who happen to be playing the same song. They are not dominated by one member more than the others, you can hear Adams beautiful voice clearly but he does not hog the lime light, there are plenty of times throughout when the deep pulse of the base guitar becomes the focal point, or some time is given to a drum solo. But it doesn't feel like it's a show-casing either, or an orchestration but together purely to make sure everyone is noticed. It is there because these guys are intelligent enough to create songs that they are all a part of. As I said, they're a band in the truest sense and it's working.
I'm ending this blog with a thank you: Thank you Jet Heeled Striker for making me cry. That's the best reaction I can give to music, and it comes totally from my soul.
Tonights review is starting with me telling the truth about me and music. It's quite a sad admission (sad stupid, not sad upsetting) that when I hear music live that just feels right and touches something inside me in a way I can't really explain in words, I have what I can only describe as a chemical reaction to it that makes me cry. It's my belief that I cry because the music gets to me and for that space in time everything else falls away and it's like the music is in sync with my soul. The first time I remember it happening was when my parents first played me The Doors. I didn't love it instantly, I thought it was okay if not a bit loud and bangy - but I was only about 7 at the time. I did well up though and I felt an immenseness from it that I couldn't and can't explain. I do remember that day moment like it was yesterday though. Now, I'm not comparing Jet Heeled Striker to The Doors - as much as I love JHS, even I can't justify that comparison just yet. But tonight I did cry though. It was during a song which previously I've enjoyed but wouldn't class as one of my favourites, for that matter I don't even know it's name. It was a love song. Not a gushy blah blah love song, but one written for and about the disaffected Generation X that we are a part of. It was not a rock ballad, I can only describe it as being what it was. Which is one of the things I love about this band; they're not one thing or another, they're them.
Tonight I took with me two friends who are a little older than people I've previously gone with, and who are both well into their music. I was keen to know what their take on JHS was. On one of our many fag breaks of the evening, I voiced my concern to one of them that although I try to be objective about Jet Heeled Striker and how good their music is, that I can't ever really get that objectivity. She was very quick to assure me that they were indeed in her words "pretty awesome" and individual. She took a real shine to Generation X, and was more excited when she realised she could listen to it again on the way home on my i-pod! She then made me promise to take her along next time they were playing as she would love to see them again.
One of the things I've mentioned in both previous reviews is how cohesive they are as a unit. This really came through again tonight, they play like a band rather than five individuals who happen to be playing the same song. They are not dominated by one member more than the others, you can hear Adams beautiful voice clearly but he does not hog the lime light, there are plenty of times throughout when the deep pulse of the base guitar becomes the focal point, or some time is given to a drum solo. But it doesn't feel like it's a show-casing either, or an orchestration but together purely to make sure everyone is noticed. It is there because these guys are intelligent enough to create songs that they are all a part of. As I said, they're a band in the truest sense and it's working.
I'm ending this blog with a thank you: Thank you Jet Heeled Striker for making me cry. That's the best reaction I can give to music, and it comes totally from my soul.
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