Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

When I finished uni, I desperately wanted to stay in Cardiff.  South Wales has always felt like home to me, it's where my heartbeat feels in sync with the wind in the trees and the hammers deep within the mines.  I feel the dreams of ancestors long gone whispering in the wind, comforting me and reminding me I'm not alone. 

Ostensibly though, what I long for when I dream of moving there is no longer there.  The bungalow my Mum grew up in will soon be filled with the laughter and noise of another family, the only physical connections left in Pontnewydd now are the headstones and plaques marking the final resting places of grandparents, aunts, uncles and great-grandparents so much adored and so much missed.  The parks I played in as a child, the canal we walked alongside, the shop that still bares the name my Great-great Grandparents gave it, the street named after them all still exist, but is that enough?

'No' is the answer, that's not enough.  Moving somewhere in attempts to hang onto something I no longer have is a pointless use of a life.  The three years I was in Cardiff were amongst the happiest in my life - that escape from the stifling suffocation of the village I grew up in was like a freedom I'd never experienced before.  For the first time I began to understand who I was and forge an identity for myself based on who I understood myself to be.  Cardiff meant I could breathe again.  Despite it being many years since any family had lived in Cardiff and walked the streets of Cathays and Roath, I still felt a safety I so connect to that part of my heritage.  I didn't need to be in Pontnewydd to feel like I belonged.

Fair Oak is my home, it's home because there's a familiarity about it, I know every inch of it and understand how it works.  My parents are here, living in the house my sister and I grew up in.  The flat I own and live in are here.  Uni is near by, and my job just a bit further away.  That's all here, but my heart isn't.

For me it's that age old battle between head and heart.  The romantic in me wants my heart to take control, throw caution to the wind and discover happiness in all its wonderful colours and forms.  This isn't one of those occasions where my heart wins though; at least not today.  Today my job and uni and mortgage have won the battle.