This week has been pretty shit. That's it. That's all I have to say: it's been a shitty week.
For the sake though that this would make another very short blog if I didn't write anything more, I will expand on it. On Wednesday I found out that one of the young people who makes use of the youth advice drop in centre I work at has died. I wasn't particularly close to him although I had know him for a few years. It was such a shock though. You don't expect someone who is only 21 to die. Of all the young people I have feared for over the years, he was not one of them - I've worked with several young people who I have often left on a Wednesday evening not knowing if they would survive the week such is the fragility of their mental state. That brings me to another thing about this young lad passing away, I was glad it wasn't someone else - my first thought went to this other person and when I found out it was not him I was relieved. Then the guilt kicked in, how could I feel relieved that this poor lad had died? He certainly did not deserve to have his life cut so tragically short, especially when he wanted to live, he wanted a full life.
Then yesterday I found out that a man I've known pretty much all my life has died. He worked with my Dad, and when he retired he used to pack bags at Sainsbury's, so I used to bump into him a lot. He was a very cheery, genial man who always seemed to genuinely care about the answer to the question 'how are you?'. I will miss him.
This then brings me onto my Gran. Bless her (said through rather gritted teeth to be honest - I'm so angry with her). She's poorly, again. Over Christmas, again. She could have helped herself with his, again. I don't really know what exactly is going on with her, so I won't waffle on pointlessly. What I do know is that my aunt and uncle were very concerned about her last weekend, and her doctor is very worried about her too. He wants her to go to hospital and have an ECG with a view to the notion that she may well need a pacemaker fitted. I could see her living it up on an 18-30s holiday sooner than I can see her agreeing to going to hospital and having a pacemaker. She's so bloody stubborn though that she has only just begrudgingly agreed to letting the nurse visit and do some blood tests. Plus, she misconstrued Mums comment on the phone the other day and thinks we are fed up with her and don't want her to spend Christmas with her.
So that's why, in a nutshell, this week has been pretty shitty.
On the plus side, Carl is home from uni today, this is a very good thing!
I Only Love You For Your Saville Row Boxer Shorts
For some reason I really love this:
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=303
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=303
And you snatch your rattling last breaths, With deep-sea-diver sounds, And the flowers bloom, Like madness in the spring
I feel shitty tonight. Admittedly I have such a bad headache that I'm struggling to focus properly and feel sick, but that's not why I'm low. It's been over a year since I last cut. I've not gone that long since before I started down this path. Sometimes I can't believe I'm the same person, other times I don't think I'm any different at all.
I'm dreading Christmas, I'm trying to be up beat about it to chivvy my family along and to convince them that it will all be fine. Truth is, I wish I could pick up a bottle of vodka and drink myself through from now to January. That's getting me down. I don't know. I'm rambling and I'm grumpy. All I know for sure is that I've not felt an urge like I've felt today for some time. And that's scared me.
I'm dreading Christmas, I'm trying to be up beat about it to chivvy my family along and to convince them that it will all be fine. Truth is, I wish I could pick up a bottle of vodka and drink myself through from now to January. That's getting me down. I don't know. I'm rambling and I'm grumpy. All I know for sure is that I've not felt an urge like I've felt today for some time. And that's scared me.
Jet Heeled Striker - again!
So I think someone must have read my last blog about Jet Heeled Striker as my one complaint I made was that I couldn't buy their CD and take their songs home with me. Since then I've had to make do with logging onto myspace pretty much every time my laptop is switched on so I could listen to them. Now I don't have to, as I have my very own shiny copy of their first CD. Thank you guys! (I like to think it was done purely to keep me happy... please don't burst my bubble!)
I was looking forward to tonight, if a little apprehensive, were they going to be as good as I remembered them being last time? Had I talked them up a bit in my own head? Would my friend enjoy them as much as I told him he would? I'm very happy to report that the answers to these questions are yes, no and yes!
Adam's voice was struggling a bit in places as he was fighting off a cold, but the other guys stepped in and supported him when needed. It didn't do anything to dampen the gig though. If anything it showed how cohesive they are as a band that they could do this without looking like they were carrying him, or losing something of the quality of their sound in the process.
The venue was packed, and although people were there to not just watch Jet Heeled Striker, as I was looking around the audience were paying attention, were dancing, smiling, and looking like they were enjoying what they were hearing. In my opinion, that's what really counts. Friends of the band will always be there, and are loyal to the end, but it's the strangers that really matter. They've got no loyalty to the band, they could have disappeared to the bar or out for a fag break. But they didn't, and that talks volumes.
For me, my favourite song is still Generation X, and the very wierd thing was that I found myself singing along in my head. It felt very odd, usually when I'm at a gig and can sing along, it's a famous band - not a little known group from Southampton that my friend sings in. Odd, but wicked!
So now I'm home, and I've had a chance to listen to the CD I can report that yes, they do transfer very well from stage to CD. I figure you can make pretty much any shit song sound good when sung live. It's in the cold light of day (or dim light in my lounge at one in the morning) that is when you can hear it without the trimmings of atmosphere - you get to really hear it properly. I loved it. I love their music live, and I love their music on my CD player. And I promise, given the title of my blog, I am telling the truth.
I was looking forward to tonight, if a little apprehensive, were they going to be as good as I remembered them being last time? Had I talked them up a bit in my own head? Would my friend enjoy them as much as I told him he would? I'm very happy to report that the answers to these questions are yes, no and yes!
Adam's voice was struggling a bit in places as he was fighting off a cold, but the other guys stepped in and supported him when needed. It didn't do anything to dampen the gig though. If anything it showed how cohesive they are as a band that they could do this without looking like they were carrying him, or losing something of the quality of their sound in the process.
The venue was packed, and although people were there to not just watch Jet Heeled Striker, as I was looking around the audience were paying attention, were dancing, smiling, and looking like they were enjoying what they were hearing. In my opinion, that's what really counts. Friends of the band will always be there, and are loyal to the end, but it's the strangers that really matter. They've got no loyalty to the band, they could have disappeared to the bar or out for a fag break. But they didn't, and that talks volumes.
For me, my favourite song is still Generation X, and the very wierd thing was that I found myself singing along in my head. It felt very odd, usually when I'm at a gig and can sing along, it's a famous band - not a little known group from Southampton that my friend sings in. Odd, but wicked!
So now I'm home, and I've had a chance to listen to the CD I can report that yes, they do transfer very well from stage to CD. I figure you can make pretty much any shit song sound good when sung live. It's in the cold light of day (or dim light in my lounge at one in the morning) that is when you can hear it without the trimmings of atmosphere - you get to really hear it properly. I loved it. I love their music live, and I love their music on my CD player. And I promise, given the title of my blog, I am telling the truth.
Pour some sugar on me, one lump or two
I've decided recently that I'm going to try to make all my titles for my blogs to be either song titles or song lyrics - although from time to time I forget....
So today's title is in honour of the fact that yesterday I found a lump. I'm not that worried about it, it's not the first I've found. The first one I found I was very wound up about given that it was near breast tissue and two of my aunts have had breast cancer, another aunt has died from it and my mum had a scare. Turned out to be a cyst. My logical brain is in control at the moment, and it's telling me that it's another cyst and nothing to worry about. Still means I have to go the the doctors and get it checked.
The second lump in the title is a metaphorical one. I got a letter this weekend saying I hadn't got a job at Eastleigh Youth Counselling Service. I was pinning a lot on getting this job - which, being realistic I wasn't likely to get anyway. There were a hell of a lot of people going for only one position. I really needed this job though, I need to get out of No Limits and this was how I was going to do it. I can't just leave though, I need the hours for my course. So I'm stuck there.
So today's title is in honour of the fact that yesterday I found a lump. I'm not that worried about it, it's not the first I've found. The first one I found I was very wound up about given that it was near breast tissue and two of my aunts have had breast cancer, another aunt has died from it and my mum had a scare. Turned out to be a cyst. My logical brain is in control at the moment, and it's telling me that it's another cyst and nothing to worry about. Still means I have to go the the doctors and get it checked.
The second lump in the title is a metaphorical one. I got a letter this weekend saying I hadn't got a job at Eastleigh Youth Counselling Service. I was pinning a lot on getting this job - which, being realistic I wasn't likely to get anyway. There were a hell of a lot of people going for only one position. I really needed this job though, I need to get out of No Limits and this was how I was going to do it. I can't just leave though, I need the hours for my course. So I'm stuck there.
Jet Heeled Striker
Venue: Talking Heads, Southampton
Date: Sunday 17th August
Headlining: Voodoo Glow Skulls
Support: Jet Heeled Striker
I was asked after the gig what I though of Jet Heeled Striker. Objectively. This is hard for me to do, given that I have known the lead singer since we were fifteen. He means a lot to me, and my gut reaction is to gush over everything they said and did because I want him to be happy and to succeed.
So here is my attempt at an objective review:
Jet Heeled Striker are a five piece, twenty something (I'm guessing) rock band. Two guitarists, one bass guitar, one vocalist and a drummer. They started playing, I started smiling. I was excited as they launched into their first song; it was energetic and catchy. It had a depth that my musically educated friend tells me comes from having good musical organisation - or some such term that I didn't really understand. What I did understand was that I wanted them to keep playing! I've heard a whole heap of twenty somethings playing really mediocre heavier rock music that all sounds very much the same through their desperation to sound like themselves and nobody else. The result being every song merging into another and me getting hideously drunk on cider and black to cope with it! Here though I found myself sticking to the diet coke (nothing to do with me driving obviously - it's metaphorical!). Each song sounded individual, whilst at the same time sounding like Jet Heeled Striker.
Personally I really can't bear it when people talk for hours between each song - I've paid money to hear them play, not to listen to their poor attempt at stand up comedy. However, it also really bugs me if they don't say anything at all. On introducing Generation X, Adam said "this song's called Generation X, I read it in a book". This made me laugh. Maybe it's only something me and my friends would laugh at, given that I think the same copy of Generation X got passed around us all in our idealistic teenage years! They stuck to introducing the music and letting it talk for itself rather than feeling the need to talk themselves up.
They were together and cohesive way past expectations given that it was only their second gig. The last song left me wishing I could buy a CD on the merchandise table so I could put it on repeat play. Friendship aside, they were one of the best new live acts I've seen in a long time. I think there is quite a reasonable danger that I will become something of a groupie pretty soon!
Date: Sunday 17th August
Headlining: Voodoo Glow Skulls
Support: Jet Heeled Striker
I was asked after the gig what I though of Jet Heeled Striker. Objectively. This is hard for me to do, given that I have known the lead singer since we were fifteen. He means a lot to me, and my gut reaction is to gush over everything they said and did because I want him to be happy and to succeed.
So here is my attempt at an objective review:
Jet Heeled Striker are a five piece, twenty something (I'm guessing) rock band. Two guitarists, one bass guitar, one vocalist and a drummer. They started playing, I started smiling. I was excited as they launched into their first song; it was energetic and catchy. It had a depth that my musically educated friend tells me comes from having good musical organisation - or some such term that I didn't really understand. What I did understand was that I wanted them to keep playing! I've heard a whole heap of twenty somethings playing really mediocre heavier rock music that all sounds very much the same through their desperation to sound like themselves and nobody else. The result being every song merging into another and me getting hideously drunk on cider and black to cope with it! Here though I found myself sticking to the diet coke (nothing to do with me driving obviously - it's metaphorical!). Each song sounded individual, whilst at the same time sounding like Jet Heeled Striker.
Personally I really can't bear it when people talk for hours between each song - I've paid money to hear them play, not to listen to their poor attempt at stand up comedy. However, it also really bugs me if they don't say anything at all. On introducing Generation X, Adam said "this song's called Generation X, I read it in a book". This made me laugh. Maybe it's only something me and my friends would laugh at, given that I think the same copy of Generation X got passed around us all in our idealistic teenage years! They stuck to introducing the music and letting it talk for itself rather than feeling the need to talk themselves up.
They were together and cohesive way past expectations given that it was only their second gig. The last song left me wishing I could buy a CD on the merchandise table so I could put it on repeat play. Friendship aside, they were one of the best new live acts I've seen in a long time. I think there is quite a reasonable danger that I will become something of a groupie pretty soon!
But still I love to wash in your old bath water
The photographer on this link has just moved in with my sister. Her work is generally pretty wicked, but I loved this one for it's poignancy....
http://belindamccarthy.zenfolio.com/p202151706/?photo=h287084FC#678462716
...apparently she's about more than just shoes!
http://belindamccarthy.zenfolio.com/p202151706/?photo=h287084FC#678462716
...apparently she's about more than just shoes!
.. & I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I find it very hard to leave people, and feelings for them, in the past. Last night I dreamt about someone who shall be known as Aardvark. People with good memories may know who I am talking about. I recently found him on Facebook and have chattered with him on a very light level. Last night I dreamed he was spending Christmas with me and my family, and after studiously avoiding him for some time, we ended up kissing. That was all, it was all very innocent. Me and Aardvark had a bit of a thing almost ten years ago now, and muddled in with a boundary-less relationship was a good friendship. I'm not saying I still harbour feelings for him: that would be weird. Rather, I get a bit maudlin when I think of him, and dreaming of him reminds me of something happy and fun which is in my past. I don't know if I want it in my present, but I don't know that I'm ready to confine it to the history books. I guess I want to know whether or not I should go back over old ground, or whether to let sleeping dogs lie....
Body Art
A few weeks ago I finally got around to getting a new tattoo done. It's beautiful, I love it to pieces. The trouble is that I feel like I've opened up the proverbial flood gates now though! I want another... and another... and another... you get the idea! I would be happy to get them all (I have at least the next 3 planned) except this one cost £65 and I am completely brassic at the moment. I do wonder though, if I get another and another and another, am I ever going to be satiated? I don't want to end up covered in them, and am quite picky in that I want them all black - I think having odd 5 or more coloured ones dotted around could look untidy, but plain black I think would look cool. I have such an addictive personality though: I couldn't just get my ears pierced, I had to get them done 4 times, my tragus, nose and nipple too. I can't drink one pint, I drink six. I can't buy one CD, I buy hundreds. Literally. Self control isn't something that I'm good at. I think I may be in trouble!
Moral Dilemma
Is it wrong to spend £300 on a bag, even when it's this pretty?
http://www.purseblog.com/clutches/jimmy-choo-face-clutch/
http://www.purseblog.com/clutches/jimmy-choo-face-clutch/
It's Raining, It's Pouring
It seems like a lot of my friends are struggling with one trouble or another at the moment, and I don't really know what I can do to make things easier for them. I like to be able to help resolve situations with people. but there's not a lot I can do for any of them at the moment. I hate feeling usless - I want to ease their discomfort but for now all I can really do is be there for them. So for all my friends out there who are hurting at the moment, I am thinking happy thoughts for you and hoping that something wonderful will happen to you soon.
Easy Come, [Not] Easy Go
When I was a kid, I am sure I wasn't alone in assuming that my friends would be my friends forever. Life doesn't turn out like that though does it?! It turns out there are different levels of friends - those who are around forever, those who affect your life forever, those who are Christmas card friends, those who are around briefly with a big affect, and those who are just around briefly.
Turns out though, that I don't seem to have much a say in which type of friend they are. That sucks. I found out last night a university friend is getting married on the weekend. He's someone that at the time I would have said would be a friend forever, and last night made me realise how much I'd lost touch with him and the group of people he was 'in with' who were also close friends. I can't help thinking that if I had never moved back to Southampton, I wouldn't have lost their friendships. The other thought that's majorly in my head is why wasn't I worth the effort by them to stay friends with? It all helps to compound the childhood paranoia I have that nobody wants to be my friend and only put up with me because I impose myself on them, or one of their friends is fool enough to befriend me.
On the honesty thing, I am also sad because I feel other people know my best friend better than I do. Not her fiance - that's right and it doesn't bother me, but other friends. I have lost one person who was unbearable to lose. I can't do it twice, but I don't know how to stop it happening.
Turns out though, that I don't seem to have much a say in which type of friend they are. That sucks. I found out last night a university friend is getting married on the weekend. He's someone that at the time I would have said would be a friend forever, and last night made me realise how much I'd lost touch with him and the group of people he was 'in with' who were also close friends. I can't help thinking that if I had never moved back to Southampton, I wouldn't have lost their friendships. The other thought that's majorly in my head is why wasn't I worth the effort by them to stay friends with? It all helps to compound the childhood paranoia I have that nobody wants to be my friend and only put up with me because I impose myself on them, or one of their friends is fool enough to befriend me.
On the honesty thing, I am also sad because I feel other people know my best friend better than I do. Not her fiance - that's right and it doesn't bother me, but other friends. I have lost one person who was unbearable to lose. I can't do it twice, but I don't know how to stop it happening.
Life Quiz
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope. My name was pretty much the only name mum and dad both liked which also Dad couldn't link to anyone he'd taught.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Monday when I kicked the sink!
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
From a distance I do, but close up it's a mess.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
Technically it's not lunch meat, but I love fresh prawns in marie rose sauce in my sarnies!
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
God no, and never will. I just want my friends to have them so I can play with theirs instead!
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Horrid question, can't answer.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Always.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
Yes
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not ever. I'd snap the bungee.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
Frosties are always good!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Mentally more so than I used to be. But that's not hard really!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
Pralines and cream.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their smile.
15. RED OR PINK?
Red
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU?
My paranoia and self doubt.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Jenn
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Of course!
19. WHAT COLOUR TROUSERS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Black trousers, brownish flipflops (due to kicking the sink and damaging my toes!)
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Nature Valley Granola Bar
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Donna talking about her beautiful new baby neice.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Like a matt and opaque green.
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
My mums fabric conditioner.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My mum.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS?
She's okay - I put up with her! Joking, I love her to pieces.
26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Rugby of course
27. HAIR COLOUR?
Today? Well the base colour is a brown/black/purple and it's highlighted through with bleach and bright red. Sound hideous but is nice, honest!
28. EYE COLOUR?
Blue, today.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes, and coloured ones, hence the above answer.
30. FAVOURITE FOOD?
A recipe I've recently discovered for garlic and thyme chicken with potato.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Practical Magic - brilliant!
33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Green.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Autumn! Out of those two though, I'd say winter.
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
hugs
36. FAVOURITE DESSERT?
Grans crumble, can't beat it!
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Donna. She's good at these things.
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Jenn, she's already done it and I'm sending this back to her.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING?
The Interpretation of Murder, finally
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
It's plain blue with a bit of doodling on it.
41. WHAT DID YOU WAtCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Come Dine With Me. Brilliant show.
42. FAVOURITE SOUND?
The wind and rain battering my window when I'm curled up inside.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Can I not have both?
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
New Jersey probably. Or Florida. Somewhere in America.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I've been told I'm a pretty good counsellor
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Winchester Hospital
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
All of them!
48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
8.35 am
Nope. My name was pretty much the only name mum and dad both liked which also Dad couldn't link to anyone he'd taught.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Monday when I kicked the sink!
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
From a distance I do, but close up it's a mess.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
Technically it's not lunch meat, but I love fresh prawns in marie rose sauce in my sarnies!
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
God no, and never will. I just want my friends to have them so I can play with theirs instead!
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Horrid question, can't answer.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Always.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
Yes
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not ever. I'd snap the bungee.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
Frosties are always good!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Mentally more so than I used to be. But that's not hard really!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
Pralines and cream.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their smile.
15. RED OR PINK?
Red
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU?
My paranoia and self doubt.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Jenn
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Of course!
19. WHAT COLOUR TROUSERS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Black trousers, brownish flipflops (due to kicking the sink and damaging my toes!)
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Nature Valley Granola Bar
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Donna talking about her beautiful new baby neice.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Like a matt and opaque green.
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
My mums fabric conditioner.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My mum.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS?
She's okay - I put up with her! Joking, I love her to pieces.
26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Rugby of course
27. HAIR COLOUR?
Today? Well the base colour is a brown/black/purple and it's highlighted through with bleach and bright red. Sound hideous but is nice, honest!
28. EYE COLOUR?
Blue, today.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes, and coloured ones, hence the above answer.
30. FAVOURITE FOOD?
A recipe I've recently discovered for garlic and thyme chicken with potato.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Practical Magic - brilliant!
33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Green.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Autumn! Out of those two though, I'd say winter.
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
hugs
36. FAVOURITE DESSERT?
Grans crumble, can't beat it!
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Donna. She's good at these things.
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Jenn, she's already done it and I'm sending this back to her.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING?
The Interpretation of Murder, finally
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
It's plain blue with a bit of doodling on it.
41. WHAT DID YOU WAtCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Come Dine With Me. Brilliant show.
42. FAVOURITE SOUND?
The wind and rain battering my window when I'm curled up inside.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Can I not have both?
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
New Jersey probably. Or Florida. Somewhere in America.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I've been told I'm a pretty good counsellor
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Winchester Hospital
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
All of them!
48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
8.35 am
I Want To Be A Rockstar
Yesterday I read Jenn's entry about her secret dreams and desires she has in her life. Some of them sounded very similar to mine, others very different. It inspired to me write my list, so here it is:
1). Build my A-shape home (and have it be on Grand Designs - but unlike most people on that programme I will have curtains!!!!). I have reams of pieces of paper from when I was a kid with various styles of houses on them that I designed. Not all of them were master pieces, but would definately have been fun to live in.
2). Get a nobel prize for voluntary services to the youth of Southampton. I'm not doing all this volunteer work for the good of my health people!
That one's a joke. I got a certificate and photo in the paper with the Mayor of Southampton for my voluntary work and hated every minute of it.
I would like to have a Nobel prize though, maybe for my poetry!
3). Own my own therapy centre and youth advisory centre. Money makes this a bit tough. That and the fact that I have no business sense.
4). Be living in Cardiff..... it's only a matter of time now though.
5). Go to Machu Pichu. One day.
6). Be in a band. Or more specifically, be a drummer in a band. I love my guitar, but it's such a hassle learning how to play it, and although I have been diligently learning to replay the piano, it's not very rock and roll.
7). Get more tattoo's. I've been carrying around with me a design Carly made for me for 18 months now and still have not got it done. I seem to keep forgetting to go in and get them done!
1). Build my A-shape home (and have it be on Grand Designs - but unlike most people on that programme I will have curtains!!!!). I have reams of pieces of paper from when I was a kid with various styles of houses on them that I designed. Not all of them were master pieces, but would definately have been fun to live in.
2). Get a nobel prize for voluntary services to the youth of Southampton. I'm not doing all this volunteer work for the good of my health people!
That one's a joke. I got a certificate and photo in the paper with the Mayor of Southampton for my voluntary work and hated every minute of it.
I would like to have a Nobel prize though, maybe for my poetry!
3). Own my own therapy centre and youth advisory centre. Money makes this a bit tough. That and the fact that I have no business sense.
4). Be living in Cardiff..... it's only a matter of time now though.
5). Go to Machu Pichu. One day.
6). Be in a band. Or more specifically, be a drummer in a band. I love my guitar, but it's such a hassle learning how to play it, and although I have been diligently learning to replay the piano, it's not very rock and roll.
7). Get more tattoo's. I've been carrying around with me a design Carly made for me for 18 months now and still have not got it done. I seem to keep forgetting to go in and get them done!
Happy Pills
I felt the need to write a blog today given that I won't be able to do another one on this date for 4 years!
So 'they' have now decided that anti-depressants are pretty much ineffectual, and people are just as well off taking placebo's. I beg to differ. If it is only the fact that they are taking a pill (and the content of the pill makes no difference) then why is it that it has negative affects on the person taking it too? Surely if it is all a cognitive response to believing you are taking a pill to make yourself better, then you wouldn't create negative reactions as well?
I don't see it as a bad thing that someone takes a pill which makes no difference to them physically if it helps them to access part of their mental self that they couldn't reach on their own.
That's not to say I think anti-depressants are the best thing to use to help with depression. In my opinion, nobody should be on medication without having at least tried counselling, or some other kind of therapy. They can be seen as an easy route out of depression, without having to disturb the waters by going to counselling. The trouble is though, they do make the lows easier to cope with but they take the shine out of the highs too. A bi-polar patient described it well on Holby City recently. She had stopped taking her Lithium and on being asked why, she said it was because she missed the sun shining and the brightness of the world when she was on a high.
Surely it's worth disturbing those waters and causing a few ripples to be able to live a life where you can handle the lows when you need to, and can embrace those highs?
To bring it back to the anti-depressants, if they are a necessary aid along the way then fair enough, use them (regardless of whether or not they technically do work). I know people who would not be here today if it weren't for those pills. They needed something to help them and fast. Those pills kept them alive long enough to be able to get the therapy they needed.
So 'they' have now decided that anti-depressants are pretty much ineffectual, and people are just as well off taking placebo's. I beg to differ. If it is only the fact that they are taking a pill (and the content of the pill makes no difference) then why is it that it has negative affects on the person taking it too? Surely if it is all a cognitive response to believing you are taking a pill to make yourself better, then you wouldn't create negative reactions as well?
I don't see it as a bad thing that someone takes a pill which makes no difference to them physically if it helps them to access part of their mental self that they couldn't reach on their own.
That's not to say I think anti-depressants are the best thing to use to help with depression. In my opinion, nobody should be on medication without having at least tried counselling, or some other kind of therapy. They can be seen as an easy route out of depression, without having to disturb the waters by going to counselling. The trouble is though, they do make the lows easier to cope with but they take the shine out of the highs too. A bi-polar patient described it well on Holby City recently. She had stopped taking her Lithium and on being asked why, she said it was because she missed the sun shining and the brightness of the world when she was on a high.
Surely it's worth disturbing those waters and causing a few ripples to be able to live a life where you can handle the lows when you need to, and can embrace those highs?
To bring it back to the anti-depressants, if they are a necessary aid along the way then fair enough, use them (regardless of whether or not they technically do work). I know people who would not be here today if it weren't for those pills. They needed something to help them and fast. Those pills kept them alive long enough to be able to get the therapy they needed.
Pride
I wanted to write about my list of things to do now I've turned 26, but I was thinking about the six nations matches this weekend and decided to write about pride instead.
As a child of mixed nationality, I could have chosen to place my heart and my loyalty in England or in Wales. Given that I was born in England, and have only lived 3 of my twenty six (eugh) years in Wales, it would make sense for me to have picked the land of roses and roast dinners. Instead, I sided with the leaks and the dragons. When describing a person of Welsh heritage, you would use the phrase "they are Welsh" as part of that description. People understand what that means. It evokes the image of a beer swilling, rugby loving, generally short person who has everything Welsh running through their veins and would happily lay down their lives for their country such is their love for it. They defend their country and their culture to the end of their days, and I love that about them. They never lose faith in their beloved rugby team and feel a personal loss when or if they are knocked out of a competition. I'm just now able to talk about the Wales v Fiji world cup match without having a lump in my throat!
Then there's England. The English have a lot to be proud about. For some reason though, they don't show this pride. Instead, my experience has been more that they apologise for being English. Show a bit of backbone people! Don't let the fact that other nations pick on you make you believe the press! England is a great country; it's got a fantastic history, a brilliantly diverse culture. Some of the brightest minds and most creative people alive or dead have been from this little country. So be strong, be proud and hold your head up for England!
Maybe then people would stop laughing at you and start having a bit of respect.
As a child of mixed nationality, I could have chosen to place my heart and my loyalty in England or in Wales. Given that I was born in England, and have only lived 3 of my twenty six (eugh) years in Wales, it would make sense for me to have picked the land of roses and roast dinners. Instead, I sided with the leaks and the dragons. When describing a person of Welsh heritage, you would use the phrase "they are Welsh" as part of that description. People understand what that means. It evokes the image of a beer swilling, rugby loving, generally short person who has everything Welsh running through their veins and would happily lay down their lives for their country such is their love for it. They defend their country and their culture to the end of their days, and I love that about them. They never lose faith in their beloved rugby team and feel a personal loss when or if they are knocked out of a competition. I'm just now able to talk about the Wales v Fiji world cup match without having a lump in my throat!
Then there's England. The English have a lot to be proud about. For some reason though, they don't show this pride. Instead, my experience has been more that they apologise for being English. Show a bit of backbone people! Don't let the fact that other nations pick on you make you believe the press! England is a great country; it's got a fantastic history, a brilliantly diverse culture. Some of the brightest minds and most creative people alive or dead have been from this little country. So be strong, be proud and hold your head up for England!
Maybe then people would stop laughing at you and start having a bit of respect.
Getting My Dreams Come True
It's a funny feeling, when something you've wanted for so very long finally comes true. I keep metaphorically pinching myself that it has really happened. I feel like I want to play it down, like I do whenever I excel at things. I don't like the attention or the praise that comes with it. Truth be told, I don't think I'm worthy of the praise so feel very uncomfortable when I get it. I tend to shrug it off and say it's not a big deal instead. I am aware that this can come across as arrogance though, or seeking admiration from people, but honestly it's not that.
This time though, I'm trying something different. I'm trying instead to enjoy the congratulations people are giving me. It goes against the grain, and feels uncomfortable, but I'm proud of myself so I'm going to persevere!
Yesterday I had my first counselling client. My first counselling course began in September 2003. Since then I've done 3 counselling courses, one Psychology a-level, an NVQ in Youth work and am a year into my counselling diploma. I've waited patiently to be old enough to embark on the diploma. I've survived on a part time salary, put myself through a year of uni and kept up my mortgage repayments. In amongst all that I've also done around 1,000 hours of voluntary youth work. On that basis I am indeed going to be very chuffed with myself that I've made it to my first client, and accept all the praise that comes my way!
This time though, I'm trying something different. I'm trying instead to enjoy the congratulations people are giving me. It goes against the grain, and feels uncomfortable, but I'm proud of myself so I'm going to persevere!
Yesterday I had my first counselling client. My first counselling course began in September 2003. Since then I've done 3 counselling courses, one Psychology a-level, an NVQ in Youth work and am a year into my counselling diploma. I've waited patiently to be old enough to embark on the diploma. I've survived on a part time salary, put myself through a year of uni and kept up my mortgage repayments. In amongst all that I've also done around 1,000 hours of voluntary youth work. On that basis I am indeed going to be very chuffed with myself that I've made it to my first client, and accept all the praise that comes my way!
Wedding Belle
My best friend Jennifer is marrying one of my favourite people, Christopher. I couldn't imagine anything better, two people who I love to pieces are marrying eachother. I like to think it's thanks to me that they're together since it was through me they met!
The thought of marriage terrifies me. Maybe because I'm not in a relationship and haven't been in one where I could imagine spending my life with them. Maybe it's because I still feel very young. The idea of Chris getting married sits fine with me - perhaps it's because I've known him since we were 18 and so I think of him in quite an adult way. With Jenn though it's taken some getting used to! It's different; I've grown up with her. Not in a 'since we were knee-high to grasshopper way'; we have been friends since we were about 13 so I mean we grew up together emotionally. Sometimes I think if it weren't for Jenn I never would have made it this far.
The thought of Jenn and Chris marrying though feels so right. They just seem to fit together despite (or maybe because of) all their differences. I thought with the advent of my best friend getting married I would be sad that I was losing something. Other than a brief wobble though, I can honestly say I've not felt that way. Jenn is still Jenn, and Chris is still Chris as well as being part of 'them' That's what I think makes them work.
The thought of marriage terrifies me. Maybe because I'm not in a relationship and haven't been in one where I could imagine spending my life with them. Maybe it's because I still feel very young. The idea of Chris getting married sits fine with me - perhaps it's because I've known him since we were 18 and so I think of him in quite an adult way. With Jenn though it's taken some getting used to! It's different; I've grown up with her. Not in a 'since we were knee-high to grasshopper way'; we have been friends since we were about 13 so I mean we grew up together emotionally. Sometimes I think if it weren't for Jenn I never would have made it this far.
The thought of Jenn and Chris marrying though feels so right. They just seem to fit together despite (or maybe because of) all their differences. I thought with the advent of my best friend getting married I would be sad that I was losing something. Other than a brief wobble though, I can honestly say I've not felt that way. Jenn is still Jenn, and Chris is still Chris as well as being part of 'them' That's what I think makes them work.
Bored of Fair Oak
It's 3:04 pm and I am currently sat at my desk in work willing the time to pass. I have been here since 8.15 am and cannot leave for another 116 minutes. Or 6,960 seconds. I have been rosta-ed onto possibly the most boring job you can have in this office and have exhausted pretty much every website I can think of to look at. Funniest part of this though is that I do the rota's each week - I am solely to blame for my extreme boredom today! I have planned six holidays, checked out literally dozens of laptops, chosen several pairs of Laboutin shoes that I might wear to Jenn's wedding. I have spent so many hours staring at my privacy bored that I could tell you exactly where everything is to the nearest millimetre.
I like privacy boards, they tell you alot about a person I think. I share my desk, so I like somewhat like a schizophrenic. On my little section though I have a magazine picture of Shane Williams (Wales and Ospreys winger) (http://www.sporting-heroes.net/rugby-heroes/displayhero.asp?HeroID=2143 - not a good picture though), a postcard of the stained glass window in the Forest of Dean (http://www.forestofdean-sculpture.org.uk/sculptures/current/cathedral/), a note from a much missed colleague, and a photo of my friends Carly, Caz, Carl, Jenn and Luce. Ooh and also a specially made picture of me and Sean Bean on our wedding day! I don't know what that says about me, other than that on my work notice board I have absolutely nothing to do with work on it! I think if they are covered in stuff it tends to suggest you like your creature comforts to soften the fact that you're at work, or that you've been there so long you've resigned yourself to a life there and may as well make it a bit nicer. Nothing on a board I reckon means you're refusing to make yourself comfortable and encourage you to move on. Either that, or you're a dull person. If I've now offended people, I am sorry.
So it's now 3.30pm and I've wasted 26 minutes writing about privacy boards....
I like privacy boards, they tell you alot about a person I think. I share my desk, so I like somewhat like a schizophrenic. On my little section though I have a magazine picture of Shane Williams (Wales and Ospreys winger) (http://www.sporting-heroes.net/rugby-heroes/displayhero.asp?HeroID=2143 - not a good picture though), a postcard of the stained glass window in the Forest of Dean (http://www.forestofdean-sculpture.org.uk/sculptures/current/cathedral/), a note from a much missed colleague, and a photo of my friends Carly, Caz, Carl, Jenn and Luce. Ooh and also a specially made picture of me and Sean Bean on our wedding day! I don't know what that says about me, other than that on my work notice board I have absolutely nothing to do with work on it! I think if they are covered in stuff it tends to suggest you like your creature comforts to soften the fact that you're at work, or that you've been there so long you've resigned yourself to a life there and may as well make it a bit nicer. Nothing on a board I reckon means you're refusing to make yourself comfortable and encourage you to move on. Either that, or you're a dull person. If I've now offended people, I am sorry.
So it's now 3.30pm and I've wasted 26 minutes writing about privacy boards....
Frustrated
I get a point every year, usually around now, when I get frustrated and fed up with my life. I am in that headspace now. I am for the most part happy with my life when I break it down and look at it rationally. But right now I'm not in the mood for thinking rationally, I have had to be very grown up for the last three weeks, and what I really want is to kick back and have a tantrum! I want to be impulsive and do something fun and a bit off the wall. I tried to be impulsive yesterday and get a tattoo done on the way to college, but didn't because it was raining. How dull and grown up is that?!
I would love to break away from everything that shackles me into this normal, boring and adult existence. I want to not have to worry about a severe lack of money, or paying my mortgage, or my sensible but dull job, or my college essays. I want to have some fun!
Any suggestions would be very welcome!
I would love to break away from everything that shackles me into this normal, boring and adult existence. I want to not have to worry about a severe lack of money, or paying my mortgage, or my sensible but dull job, or my college essays. I want to have some fun!
Any suggestions would be very welcome!
Teenage Dirtbag
A lovely friend of mine bought me the '40 Years of Radio One' cd for Christmas which has hardly been off my cd player since I got it. The Gossip version of Careless Whisper is brilliant, as is Hard-fi's rendition of Britney classic Toxic. They have both taken very distinctive songs and made them their own - and in the case of the latter at least, far far better then the original. Plus, I adore Beth Ditto, so anything she does I think I'm predisposed to love anyway!
Perhaps my favourite cover on the album though came as somewhat of a surprise to me; it's Girls Aloud doing Teenage Dirtbag. Girls Aloud do have a special place in my heart - everyone needs a good girly singalong from time to time! And for nostalgic reasons Teenage Dirtbag always has a special place in my heart. But Girls Aloud covering Teenage Dirtbag? It works bloody well! There's one bit when one of the girls shouts the line "why don't you give a damn about me?". I like to think this is Sarah Harding - I think she's the trashiest of the girls and I love her for it. She also seems like the one most likely to atucally have a clue who Iron Maiden actually! I only really have one gripe about this version of Teenage Dirtbag, and this is because they change the gender of the 'dirtbag' from female to male. What would have been so wrong with Girls Aloud singing about their affection for a girl?
Perhaps my favourite cover on the album though came as somewhat of a surprise to me; it's Girls Aloud doing Teenage Dirtbag. Girls Aloud do have a special place in my heart - everyone needs a good girly singalong from time to time! And for nostalgic reasons Teenage Dirtbag always has a special place in my heart. But Girls Aloud covering Teenage Dirtbag? It works bloody well! There's one bit when one of the girls shouts the line "why don't you give a damn about me?". I like to think this is Sarah Harding - I think she's the trashiest of the girls and I love her for it. She also seems like the one most likely to atucally have a clue who Iron Maiden actually! I only really have one gripe about this version of Teenage Dirtbag, and this is because they change the gender of the 'dirtbag' from female to male. What would have been so wrong with Girls Aloud singing about their affection for a girl?
Kind Friends
I feel like I've been duped this year. It's not the year I signed on for, that's for sure! Goodness knows what is going to happen regarding Gran over the next days and weeks; it's a case of taking each day as it comes and dealing with what it brings. To add insult to injury though, I have a Doctors appointment this evening because I'm worried about some moles on my back. Something else to worry about for me then! I've not told my family I'm going, they have got enough to worry about at the moment. Besides, it's not like it will make a difference to the outcome of the appointment.
The thing I'm most grateful of at the moment is the love, support and kindness my friends have given me. Text messages, phone calls, emails, facebook messages - they've all helped me such a lot. Also, Mrs Chotoye and Mrs Taylor: their kind words on my last entry here were so helpful and thoughtful. I was really touched by them.
So I want to thank those people so very much, for making this horrid time a bit easier to cope with. And, bear with me because I think it's going to last a little while yet... xx
The thing I'm most grateful of at the moment is the love, support and kindness my friends have given me. Text messages, phone calls, emails, facebook messages - they've all helped me such a lot. Also, Mrs Chotoye and Mrs Taylor: their kind words on my last entry here were so helpful and thoughtful. I was really touched by them.
So I want to thank those people so very much, for making this horrid time a bit easier to cope with. And, bear with me because I think it's going to last a little while yet... xx
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