It's All Over But The Crying

This week has been pretty shit. That's it. That's all I have to say: it's been a shitty week.

For the sake though that this would make another very short blog if I didn't write anything more, I will expand on it. On Wednesday I found out that one of the young people who makes use of the youth advice drop in centre I work at has died. I wasn't particularly close to him although I had know him for a few years. It was such a shock though. You don't expect someone who is only 21 to die. Of all the young people I have feared for over the years, he was not one of them - I've worked with several young people who I have often left on a Wednesday evening not knowing if they would survive the week such is the fragility of their mental state. That brings me to another thing about this young lad passing away, I was glad it wasn't someone else - my first thought went to this other person and when I found out it was not him I was relieved. Then the guilt kicked in, how could I feel relieved that this poor lad had died? He certainly did not deserve to have his life cut so tragically short, especially when he wanted to live, he wanted a full life.

Then yesterday I found out that a man I've known pretty much all my life has died. He worked with my Dad, and when he retired he used to pack bags at Sainsbury's, so I used to bump into him a lot. He was a very cheery, genial man who always seemed to genuinely care about the answer to the question 'how are you?'. I will miss him.

This then brings me onto my Gran. Bless her (said through rather gritted teeth to be honest - I'm so angry with her). She's poorly, again. Over Christmas, again. She could have helped herself with his, again. I don't really know what exactly is going on with her, so I won't waffle on pointlessly. What I do know is that my aunt and uncle were very concerned about her last weekend, and her doctor is very worried about her too. He wants her to go to hospital and have an ECG with a view to the notion that she may well need a pacemaker fitted. I could see her living it up on an 18-30s holiday sooner than I can see her agreeing to going to hospital and having a pacemaker. She's so bloody stubborn though that she has only just begrudgingly agreed to letting the nurse visit and do some blood tests. Plus, she misconstrued Mums comment on the phone the other day and thinks we are fed up with her and don't want her to spend Christmas with her.

So that's why, in a nutshell, this week has been pretty shitty.

On the plus side, Carl is home from uni today, this is a very good thing!

I Only Love You For Your Saville Row Boxer Shorts

For some reason I really love this:
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=303

And you snatch your rattling last breaths, With deep-sea-diver sounds, And the flowers bloom, Like madness in the spring

I feel shitty tonight. Admittedly I have such a bad headache that I'm struggling to focus properly and feel sick, but that's not why I'm low. It's been over a year since I last cut. I've not gone that long since before I started down this path. Sometimes I can't believe I'm the same person, other times I don't think I'm any different at all.
I'm dreading Christmas, I'm trying to be up beat about it to chivvy my family along and to convince them that it will all be fine. Truth is, I wish I could pick up a bottle of vodka and drink myself through from now to January. That's getting me down. I don't know. I'm rambling and I'm grumpy. All I know for sure is that I've not felt an urge like I've felt today for some time. And that's scared me.