In the middle of another bout of insomnia last weekend I decided to flick through my old diaries. I kept diaries on and off throughout my childhood for a couple of months at a time. But since I was around sixteen I've pretty much consistently kept a diary, although I've been very lax at writing in it for the last couple of years. Maybe that's something to do with my ability to handle depression and things better than before. I don't know. In some parts it was like I was reading something I could have written a month ago, other times it was like reading the thoughts of a stranger.
I don't just have written entries in my diaries, they also contain tickets to things, odd photo's, poems, emails, lists of favourite things. I found a poem that someone who meant a huge amount to me in college wrote. It made me get back in touch with him which has been lovely. He's as funny and charming as I remember him to be, with a little tinge of something else, maybe it's experience or heartbreak - I'm not entirely sure yet.
Rightly or wrongly I am generally very emotion led. I always have been. I feel things and react without thinking them through. I hadn't realised until looking back through my diaries just how emotion led I was as a teenager. Although I still react on emotions, I have learnt to be a bit more rational about things. I guess I've managed to stop bouncing off the walls quite so very much!
One entry that brought tears to my eyes was after my 21st birthday. I was recounting a conversation I had with G that night. He said to me that he loved me and that I could always rely on him no matter where he was or what he was doing because I'd always be important in his life. I was in tears for the girl who wrote that entry. For the girl that believed those magical words and was let down by him. If I could say one thing to him today for that girl, I would thank him bizarrely enough. I'd thank him for giving me hope and faith, and helping me feel like I wouldn't walk the path of my life alone.
We Live In A House Of Cards....
Those are the opening words to one of the bleakest and most beautiful songs I've heard in a while. Those are the words written by a friend, a friend who has had the guts to carve his own path in life. He's not settling for second best, he's not prepared to wait around and see what happens. Instead he's living an honest life - honest and true to the person he is and wants to be, and is writing some very intelligent and touching songs as a result.
Sure, they're not songs that are necessarily everyone's taste. But then, what music is? If asked what kind of music I enjoy the most, my answer is most things in a rock/metal/punk vein. I can't explain why those are the genres that appeal to me, it's like asking a blind man to describe the world he sees through touch - there are no words, it's a feeling, a reaction inside. So although I have heard Adam play many times before, the feeling and reaction inside I got last night from him playing was unexpected. I expected to enjoy it, he's good at what he does so why would I not enjoy it? But I didn't expect to be affected by it. His hauntingly beautiful voice was all encompassing, people were stopping conversations to listen to him. Strangers with no loyalty or desire to encourage were listening and enjoying what they were hearing.
Adams set included a cover of Johnny Cash and of the mighty Radiohead. It was a brave choice to mix his own compositions in with two of the most famous and most unique songwriters of all time. His songs held there own though, they were by no means carbon copies of Radiohead or Cash (although to be fair, if you were going to plagiarise, then who better to pick?!), rather you could tell Adam has an understanding of the make-up of their music and has learnt from that for his own song writing.
So did I go and see him play because he's my friend? Yes, of course. Will I go and see him play again? Yes, because I've not been able to get Asunder out of my head all day and I want to hear more.
Sure, they're not songs that are necessarily everyone's taste. But then, what music is? If asked what kind of music I enjoy the most, my answer is most things in a rock/metal/punk vein. I can't explain why those are the genres that appeal to me, it's like asking a blind man to describe the world he sees through touch - there are no words, it's a feeling, a reaction inside. So although I have heard Adam play many times before, the feeling and reaction inside I got last night from him playing was unexpected. I expected to enjoy it, he's good at what he does so why would I not enjoy it? But I didn't expect to be affected by it. His hauntingly beautiful voice was all encompassing, people were stopping conversations to listen to him. Strangers with no loyalty or desire to encourage were listening and enjoying what they were hearing.
Adams set included a cover of Johnny Cash and of the mighty Radiohead. It was a brave choice to mix his own compositions in with two of the most famous and most unique songwriters of all time. His songs held there own though, they were by no means carbon copies of Radiohead or Cash (although to be fair, if you were going to plagiarise, then who better to pick?!), rather you could tell Adam has an understanding of the make-up of their music and has learnt from that for his own song writing.
So did I go and see him play because he's my friend? Yes, of course. Will I go and see him play again? Yes, because I've not been able to get Asunder out of my head all day and I want to hear more.
Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody, Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up
Sometimes when the light is right I can see so many scars running along my arm. Many more than I assume can be seen by the glance of a stranger. Some of them merge into each other and others standing clear. And sometimes the desire to add to them is unbearable.
Knowing Me, Knowing You
I generally think I'm a pretty good judge of character. True, I do look for the good in people and will give them the benefit of the doubt beyond when others will have given up on them. But that doesn't make me a naive person; I like to think I'm generally pretty aware of when people are using me and when they're genuine with me. Tonight though I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if it's selfishness, or cluelessness, or that they just don't care that much. If I've been used here, then... well I was going to put I hope karma gives them their just deserts, but the part of me that can't believe they were using me doesn't want anything bad to happen to them. I guess I hope that if they have used me, that they will stop doing so now, before I get more hurt.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)