I'm Your Pain When You Can't Feel

It's been 18 days since Gran died. We've had the funeral, cremation and interred the ashes. The official mourning time is now over and it's that point where you have to return to reality whether you feel ready to or not. I feel like the world continued while I was absent from it, but is for all intents and purposes exactly the same as it was 19 days ago. Only I've been away and come back entirely changed. I don't know where I quite fit in the world now. Part of my regular routine was to ring Gran every couple of weeks at least, and to visit her monthly. Despite the amount she drove me mad, I was actually very close to her. I enjoyed going up to see her; Mum used to tell me I didn't have to go with them, that Gran knew I had a busy life. I wanted to though. I wanted to spend time with her. I still want to spend time with her, I want to call her up and talk about whatever crap we used to talk about. I want to continue my routine I had 19 days ago but I can't.
She was my last living grandparent. I've been blessed with knowing them all and having a Great Gran until I was 14. Although my Grandma was alive until I was 18, she was sick for many years and Alzheimers took her long before she actually died. So Gran was the only grandparent who saw me finish school. She was the person I called first when I got my GCSEs, A-Levels, degree, diploma - any achievement really. I know peoples reaction is that I can still tell her these things, that she will be listening and watching. But that's not enough even in the same ball park is it?
I hate being jealous of friends or colleagues, but at work the other day one of the girls was talking about her Nan. I was nearly in tears with jealousy that she had a Nan left to visit. Knowing I no longer have grandparents is horrid. Of course I've thought over the years about Gran dying, but I never really realised that when she died it would mean that it meant the end of grandparents for me. It's an incredible extra layer of sadness on top of the pain and sorrow I am carrying from Gran's death.

Everybody Hurts, Sometime

Today has been unbelievably hard. Yesterdays relative state of numbness made me think that I was doing okay and was going to be strong and hold everyone else up instead. I eventually passed out around 2 this morning sobbing into my pillow. I woke up what felt like a hundred times between then and 8 when I gave in and got up. The first lot of tears came in the shower - I could write something symbolic about my tears and the water streaming down my face, but to be honest I couldn't care less about making it sound pretty right now. By 11.30 when I was leaving Fair Oak for Wales I'd been in tears 4 times. Totally exhausted and alone driving along the M4 wasn't much fun. For some reason as Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty came on my ipod I gave in to the tears again. Luckily I was 1/2 mile from the services so could stop rather than risking the lives of everyone around me too much. More tears driving into Pontnewydd, and many more when I pulled up outside my Grans bungalow. That was the moment I was dreading from the minute I knew she was dying - stepping into her home without her physically there but surrounded by her at the same time. If it weren't for the fact that I need to be here to help my Mum, I'd have bolted back to Fair Oak and hidden away until it was all over. My uncle and his wife came up - my uncle and my mum are very close, my Grandparents were more parents to him than his own were really so my Grans death has poleaxed him. Although it was good to see them I found myself largely tuning out what was being said and picking up random nicknack's Gran has lying around and fiddling with them instead. And crying. One point I curled up on the sofa and the pain I was in was hideous. I'd forgotten, or blocked out, that part of losing someone I love. That gut wrenching agony of crying like my heart was breaking apart and would never fit back together properly again.
I wish my sister was here with me. I need my sister to be here with me. Trouble is I can't ask her to be here because she needs to do what's right for her.
It's now 1am and I've slept about 7 hours since Friday night. I'm so tired I feel like I could sleep for days. I can't switch off though, I can't stop the thoughts and I can't handle the silence of being here in my room all alone. Nothing to distract me, nothing to fill that silence except my tears.

Bread Of Heaven

I wanted to write to try and make sense of my head, but I've been staring at the screen not knowing where to begin. My Gran died last night. That's all I think I can say really. People are asking me how I am and I don't know. I don't know how I feel, what I'm thinking or what to do with myself. All I know is I'm surrounded by the most incredible friends and family who have been more kind and supportive these last 24 hours then I'll ever be able to thank them fully for.