her0inchic.com
We all love a bank holiday, right? Wrong. I love the idea of a three day weekend, but truth is, this one was spent mostly crying on Saturday and packing up my Gran's home, then yesterday and today doing coursework. Rock and roll I think not.
And now, sitting in the darkness at 9.40 (because I'd not noticed it getting dark, not because I'm being macabre), I can feel my anxiety levels rising as my attention turns to going to work tomorrow and the fact that I have 4 days work to fit into three as a result of the bank holiday.
As an aside, just to mention my most stupid thought of the day: really wanting to write a blog entry that nobody would read, just to get stuff out, and thinking how frustrating it was that I couldn't do that. Then I remembered my diary.
And now, sitting in the darkness at 9.40 (because I'd not noticed it getting dark, not because I'm being macabre), I can feel my anxiety levels rising as my attention turns to going to work tomorrow and the fact that I have 4 days work to fit into three as a result of the bank holiday.
As an aside, just to mention my most stupid thought of the day: really wanting to write a blog entry that nobody would read, just to get stuff out, and thinking how frustrating it was that I couldn't do that. Then I remembered my diary.
Today was the end of another chapter. My Mum has almost completed on the sale of my Gran's bungalow, so it was today I went up with my parents and my sister and said 'goodbye'. I didn't want to go, but needed to - I never visited my Dad's parents home after the immediate aftermath of my Grandma's funeral and in some ways that's always bothered me.
I guess today wasn't so much about the sale of Duffryn, but more about the finality of my grandparents chapter in my life. I always felt much more attached to my Mums roots than my Dads - I've written about that before. But I miss having a reason to go back to the Forest Of Dean, and now I've lost my last reason to go back to Pontnewydd... I feel like calling those places home now feels fraudulent somehow...
Hard as it was, I'm glad I went today. A friend told me to soak it all in one last time and then I can go back there any time in my memory, so that's exactly what I did. The bricks and mortar may belong to someone else in just a few short weeks, but the memories - they'll always be mine & in that sense, there's nothing fraudulent in calling it home.
I guess today wasn't so much about the sale of Duffryn, but more about the finality of my grandparents chapter in my life. I always felt much more attached to my Mums roots than my Dads - I've written about that before. But I miss having a reason to go back to the Forest Of Dean, and now I've lost my last reason to go back to Pontnewydd... I feel like calling those places home now feels fraudulent somehow...
Hard as it was, I'm glad I went today. A friend told me to soak it all in one last time and then I can go back there any time in my memory, so that's exactly what I did. The bricks and mortar may belong to someone else in just a few short weeks, but the memories - they'll always be mine & in that sense, there's nothing fraudulent in calling it home.
It's Been One Week Since You Looked At Me
The title's a bit misleading. Or maybe it isn't...
So a week ago today I felt pretty shit (see post a week ago for details), and in attempts to help pull myself out of said shitness, I agreed to trying meditating for ten minutes a day for seven days to see if it helped. I just finished my seventh day and I can say with conviction that this won't be a seven day thing.
I've felt so much more grounded this week, I feel more in my own skin if that makes sense. I just feel more able to handle things; and while it feels stupid to attribute it to spending ten minutes sat down and breathing, well, that's the truth.
Committing to finding time each day for a week has also made me focus on my time use. One of the things I never feel I have enough of is time in each day, so the thought of adding in time to 'just sit' seemed a bit unlikely unless I planned it properly. It also forced me to look at my priorities in life - and I actually for once put my own self on the top of that list. I feel like I'm here to make a difference to people, but if I'm curled up in a corner in a blubbering mess, well then I'm no use to anyone. It's kick started my slimming world journey again, which hadn't gone backwards, it had just stagnated, the last year I've put on and lost the same 10lb about a hundred times. I've also planned in time on my exercise bike again every other day, and we all know what they say about endorphins being happy chemicals.
So it's been one week since I looked at me. Since I took a proper look at why I had had such a horrid week and what changes I could put in place to help limit the likelihood of that happening all the time (I'm not naive enough to think I'll never have a bad week, but maybe not such a bad one would be better). The result: Friday night and I'm not in tears and feeling utterly shattered and hopeless.
So a week ago today I felt pretty shit (see post a week ago for details), and in attempts to help pull myself out of said shitness, I agreed to trying meditating for ten minutes a day for seven days to see if it helped. I just finished my seventh day and I can say with conviction that this won't be a seven day thing.
I've felt so much more grounded this week, I feel more in my own skin if that makes sense. I just feel more able to handle things; and while it feels stupid to attribute it to spending ten minutes sat down and breathing, well, that's the truth.
Committing to finding time each day for a week has also made me focus on my time use. One of the things I never feel I have enough of is time in each day, so the thought of adding in time to 'just sit' seemed a bit unlikely unless I planned it properly. It also forced me to look at my priorities in life - and I actually for once put my own self on the top of that list. I feel like I'm here to make a difference to people, but if I'm curled up in a corner in a blubbering mess, well then I'm no use to anyone. It's kick started my slimming world journey again, which hadn't gone backwards, it had just stagnated, the last year I've put on and lost the same 10lb about a hundred times. I've also planned in time on my exercise bike again every other day, and we all know what they say about endorphins being happy chemicals.
So it's been one week since I looked at me. Since I took a proper look at why I had had such a horrid week and what changes I could put in place to help limit the likelihood of that happening all the time (I'm not naive enough to think I'll never have a bad week, but maybe not such a bad one would be better). The result: Friday night and I'm not in tears and feeling utterly shattered and hopeless.
Today Is... Today Is... Today Is...
- Took a deep breath and told my manager I'm struggling - volume of work & my head stuff (massive, instant feeling of relief)
- Day 4 of trying out meditation which is gradually feeling less weird and more helpful
- Ordered my time so I planned in some exercise, felt great to get it back into my daily schedule
- Did shopping for LGBT group for tomorrow night
- Lunch and dinner made for tomorrow & are Slimming World friendly ( I work to 10 on a Tuesday, so take dinner with me)
- Did some general planning
Taking a bit of time to plan out my actions a little bit, and factor in things I actually wanted to do as well as those I needed to do, has made today such a better day than the recent past. Sitting down at nine & knowing I've achieved everything I've set out to do today has been lovely.
You know sometimes when you wake up feeling particularly rubbish & want to fade into the semi darkness of your room and disappear forever? Today I woke like that, and then was reminded how amazingly kind a particular friend is via a photo and a less than 140 character comment accompanying it. I'm not saying I'm happy and bouncing and full of the joys of spring. In-fact, I rang my boss and lunchtime and told her I needed to go home - I didn't get there before the tears started falling. But that message; it made today just a bit easier and gave me the first smile that I've felt actually be more than surface this week.
How are you?
I seem to be being asked this a lot recently, and other than maybe one or two exceptions, I really don't think any reply is expected or wanted other than 'yeah, I'm good thanks'. I don't know what stops me answering the question truthfully - I could blame societal guidelines, but I think it's more than that.
Despite all my training, my work, and my personal therapy, I still find it a weakness to admit that I'm struggling, that I'm less than okay. I live in fear that if I say it at work then it'll be assumed I'm not competent or capable of doing my job and will be fired. I also struggle to see myself as worth spending time on me when I'm with other people.
I've just been out to dinner with 3 good friends who I've known for eight years now - two of them I've been on holiday twice with. Yet I didn't answer the question truthfully.
So here it is: I'm exhausted, I've been in tears every day this week, I feel constantly sick from anxiety and pressure & I feel totally stuck in this place.
I seem to be being asked this a lot recently, and other than maybe one or two exceptions, I really don't think any reply is expected or wanted other than 'yeah, I'm good thanks'. I don't know what stops me answering the question truthfully - I could blame societal guidelines, but I think it's more than that.
Despite all my training, my work, and my personal therapy, I still find it a weakness to admit that I'm struggling, that I'm less than okay. I live in fear that if I say it at work then it'll be assumed I'm not competent or capable of doing my job and will be fired. I also struggle to see myself as worth spending time on me when I'm with other people.
I've just been out to dinner with 3 good friends who I've known for eight years now - two of them I've been on holiday twice with. Yet I didn't answer the question truthfully.
So here it is: I'm exhausted, I've been in tears every day this week, I feel constantly sick from anxiety and pressure & I feel totally stuck in this place.
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