For the most part, I genuinely don't mind being single - I like that I come and go as I please and only have to factor in living my life & doing things I want/have to do. That's not to say I don't want someone to curl up and chat with for hours, or just be silent and completely comfortable with. Of course I do, I doubt you'll find much people who don't want that.
There are a few things that really bug the hell out of me though.
It's such a little word 'we', and in so many circumstances is completely acceptable. But every now and again, it pops up with surrounded with a blanket of smugness or an air of superiority, and topped with a great big dollop of pity. Luckily, my nearest and dearest don't sit in this boat, if they do, they may have found themselves man over board by now.
Then there's that inevitable invite 'Dear XX plus one', and the ensuing decision making - do I beat myself up about trying to find someone to take with me, and then the fall out of feeling like a failure if I don't find said someone? Do I take a friend and know that people are thinking 'look at her, bless her, she had to bring a friend'? Do I brave it out and say it's just going to be me, and be the awkward odd number to the party? Or, do I hide away from all these options and say I'm already booked up so regretfully decline the invite?
The thing that irritates me most is my own reaction to 'so are you seeing someone at the moment?' - my need to justify my singledom and responses like 'yep, just been so busy with uni', or 'yep, but you know what it's like living in a village'... the rest continue in a similar vein. Why should I excuse who I am, or how my life is? Why is it that to be 29 and single isn't okay?
There are a few things that really bug the hell out of me though.
It's such a little word 'we', and in so many circumstances is completely acceptable. But every now and again, it pops up with surrounded with a blanket of smugness or an air of superiority, and topped with a great big dollop of pity. Luckily, my nearest and dearest don't sit in this boat, if they do, they may have found themselves man over board by now.
Then there's that inevitable invite 'Dear XX plus one', and the ensuing decision making - do I beat myself up about trying to find someone to take with me, and then the fall out of feeling like a failure if I don't find said someone? Do I take a friend and know that people are thinking 'look at her, bless her, she had to bring a friend'? Do I brave it out and say it's just going to be me, and be the awkward odd number to the party? Or, do I hide away from all these options and say I'm already booked up so regretfully decline the invite?
The thing that irritates me most is my own reaction to 'so are you seeing someone at the moment?' - my need to justify my singledom and responses like 'yep, just been so busy with uni', or 'yep, but you know what it's like living in a village'... the rest continue in a similar vein. Why should I excuse who I am, or how my life is? Why is it that to be 29 and single isn't okay?
There are a few thoughts milling around my mind that I've been thinking of blogging about, but for one reason or another I've not done it. Not in small part due to not knowing quite what I want to say about the subjects other than that they're in my head or in my life at the moment. So, instead I'm doing mini blogs about them now, and if they turn into something bigger then so be it...
- Perhaps the first thing I should write about is that it's taken me probably a month to write this entry, and I've had this page open for some time now without writing more than the first paragraph. Putting things off. I'm not sure exactly *what* it is that I'm putting off, but I feel like I am putting something off. I feel like I've been putting something off for some time, and it's not a feeling I like very much. Okay, deep breath, truth time. I'm putting off being serious about slimming world again. I need to talk about it without shame, and I still find that so hard. Typing this I have tears in my eyes. I don't say it for sympathy, I'm not writing this for anyone else. I'm writing it for me. So I can read it, register it, and move on and stop putting it off. Sure it can be tough, but the reward is so worth it. Time for the putting off to end, the planning to begin and a future to bring into a present. And breathe out.
- Subject matter number two - rugby. Yes, it's that time again, when the best fit-to-play players in the world gather in one country and fight until their hearts feel like they will burst for the love of their nation and the pride of their fellow country men and women. For those eighty minutes, I lose myself entirely into the game, forgetting to breathe, holding my own hand so tightly it may break. Tears of joy, tears of frustration, tears of anger and tears of passion. Wales are in a tough group, but they're playing well. They fully deserved to win against South Africa, and it's a crying shame the ref misjudged Hook's penalty - if it weren't for that they would have had the match. Samoa was a win - it wasn't pretty or stylish, but it was a win and that is what counts. Monday sees them faced with Namibia, which *should* be pretty straight forward win. And then Fiji. Fiji who destroyed the hopes and drams of a nation four years ago...
- I've started a new volunteer job at Chrysalis, a transgender support and counselling charity. I applied as a counsellor, but actually I will be facilitating the group sessions and the group therapy. I can't add the group therapy hours to my accreditation, but that's fine. It the experience I want, and the knowledge, not the piece of paper.
- I happened to mention to a friend recently that it wasn't fair the people I'm attracted to at the moment have all been in relationships. His rather astute response (clearly he's spent too much time with me - it's a very counsellor-y comment) was along the lines of 'do you think you are attracted to them because they're safe'? This has stayed with me and been in my mind for a while - have I done that? Is it a preservation thing? Or a form of self-harm? Or both? Or is it just a random occurrence?
- On a cheerier note, I'm sticking to learning my guitar, practising between lessons and enjoying getting a bit better each time. It's nice to feel that achievement on such a simple level (I mean simple in comparison to a degree in a year kind of level) - getting back to basics and enjoying something I can see a constant improvement on and is just for me.
- The thing I most want to write about, which I is likely another reason I've not written anything for a while, I can't write about. It's a client at work, who uses up a constantly pretty fair chunk of my mind, and part of my heart (in a professional way I hasten to add). Not being able to off load about it doesn't help - I can get the anxiety out at the moment.
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