I Wish It Was Sunday, Because That's My Fun Day

I had a lovely day yesterday, so thought I'd blog it in order to preserve it for the archives of my history!  It wasn't particularly an amazing day insomuch as I didn't meet my idols or jump on a plane to anywhere my money in my pocket would take me.  But it was a fulfilling day, one of those 'chicken soup' kind of days if you know what I mean.  I woke quite early so spent a couple of hours curled up reading a book I didn't expect to enjoy half as much as I am (it's a book club book and not one I'd usually pick off a shelf to read, but I guess that's the point of book clubs).  Then I went for a wonder around M&S, and drove there with my car roof down, sun shining and Metallica's Death Magnetic playing ear bleedingly loud.  I digress slightly here to just write briefly about Death Magnetic.  Like the book, it wasn't an album I was expecting to fall in love with.  Quite often now I've found myself appreciating Metallica's work rather than really feeling something for it.  I *love* their early work, but later stuff not so much.  Death Magnetic has really grown on me without me noticing, and has become one of my favourite album purchases of the year for sure.
Back to yesterday.... I spent the afternoon in the sunny back garden belonging to Caroline and Ian, relaxing, laughing, eating barbeque, watching the kids running about enjoying the summery weather.  Despite the sunburn (which almost 24 hours on is still hot to the touch and somewhat lobster-y in colour), and not booking our holiday (because of the volcano ash thing) the afternoon was exactly what I needed. 
And from there I went to my parents to see my aunt and uncle who were visiting for the day.  They're the kind of family that isn't a hassle to be around, you can just relax and have fun with them.  I've not seen them since Christmas so was nice to sit and have a cuppa and a catch up with them.
The evening from then consisted of Time Team geekery and another hour or so of reading my book before having a really good night sleep (without nightmares and semi-awake hallucinations - hurrah!).
So that was my day.  Nothing spectacular as I said, but was a great day nonetheless. 

I Was Up Above It, Now I'm Down In It

It seems to happen that each time I write confidently about being in a happier place that I end up feeling rubbish again.  Maybe it's because I make myself more conscious of how I'm feeling - if I hadn't written about being happier becoming easier, then I wouldn't be so acutely aware of how awful I feel at the moment.  Or maybe I would be, but I wouldn't be berating myself so much for feeling this way. Or maybe I wouldn't have had an internal fight with myself about blogging how I feel; feeling like I'm letting people down by being in this place.  I could have written this in my diary.  I could have written pages about how for the last five days I've exhausted myself trying to smile and make conversation with people, how I've lost count the number of times I've had to hold in the tears and used every ounce of strength I have to not cut.  The thing is though, I need people to know how I'm feeling.  I can't pick up the phone and text or ring someone and tell them (we're back to the 'letting people down'/'not being important enough to bother people' thing here), so I'm blogging it instead.  I'm not expecting people to comment or to contact me - that's not what this is about.  I just needed someone to know.  I guess the thought process behind that being I won't be so alone. 
I know logically that this won't last, that I'll come out of it again.  The trouble is I need to come out of it soon and I don't know what I can do to help that process because it's come (pretty much) out of the blue.