There have been a few things I've been half thinking that I should blog this last week or so, but for one reason and another, haven't. Which probably means they weren't that important after all. I'm having a week off at the moment - left work Friday lunchtime, jumped in my pre-packed car and headed straight for Cornwall. The 'ecolodge' I'm staying in has absolutely no signal - in fact the whole valley basin has no signal. Which is pretty lovely really, if not a bit weird to get used to at first. I have had to buy wifi access from the park so I can email dissertation work to my tutor and do research stuff. I did hold off doing this for the first 36 or so hours deliberately. I didn't want to fall into doing what I do at home but just in another place. So I made sure I broke routine. And other that writing this, I've pretty much only used my laptop for writing my methodology. Instead I've listened to a lot of music and have read an actual fiction book. I can't say how lovely it is (and how indulgent it feels) to be reading a book that has absolutely nothing to do with gender identity for once!
Yesterday I went to a cider farm, which is pretty much heaven on earth for me. Then had a leisurely hour or so at a gorgeous National Trust coastline site - shame about the fog though. Followed by a game of crazy golf in which I was spectacularly awful and the lad in the kiosk could well have been one of the Jonas brothers...
Today's been glorious, hence the sunburn that is now radiating off me like a Belisha beacon. Lots of swimming & meditating in the sunshine. Tonight off to Plymouth for dinner with some of my parents old college friends. Bizarre I know.
Tomorrow is set to be my annual sojourn to Tintagel and Boscastle. I can't explain why it feels different there. It just does. I feel more peaceful, more calm within myself and aware of myself when I go there. Which is just lovely. What I really need at the moment is a bit of time looking after me and putting me before my work, so that's exactly what I'm doing.
All Your Machinations Are Addiction Caused By Fabrication
This blog was going to be about the injustice of how the music we are commercially surrounded by is, generally speaking, soulless and forgettable - a world where songs address nothing more than some girls booty or how to 'get a ring on it'. What happened to music being political? To making a statement and attempting to change the world? When did it all get so tame and watered down?
But look beyond that, or rather, closer than that, and music still exists with all its politics and passion and drive to get their message out to people. Unsigned bands, singers and musicians are out there every night of the week in every part of the country, being true to their music and everything it stands for. Yes, it's great seeing bands you know and love in stadiums and arenas, but take some time away from that and look at your local music scene. Chances are you'll find some amazing artists there that will touch your heart and soul.
Tonight I went to support my beautiful friend, A.dam A.sun.der play, supported by Skin For A Canvas. I'd not seen SFAC before, and was very impressed - they're lovely guys and they have created some truly great songs. Take some time to find them on youtube or facebook - they're well worth checking out.
I come to what I actually decided I wanted to blog about (finally)... A.dam A.sun.der. He's a very good friend, and yes, I do love my friends and will always speak well of them. But this I'm writing as independently of the 'friendship bias' as possible. Having said that, this sentence is full of friendship bias - I'm innately proud of Adam (forgive me, but I can't keep writing his full name with the correct punctuation!) for a number of reasons - one or two of which I'm not blogging about, they're his story to tell, not mine. I'm proud of the person he is, and the person he's becoming. I'm proud of the path he's walked, and is walking, it's not an easy one to take. Adam is true to his music as his music is part of the person he is. When he's playing and singing he does so with his whole self, his music is soulful - not like James Brown soul music, but rather, his soul is intrinsic throughout his music. It shows through by the fact that every time I see him playing, his tracks alter slightly from the last time he performed them. His heart impacts onto each and every performance, and each one reflects part of where he is at that point in time. It's not singing by rote which you can get with people who play and play with the end goal being 'to get famous' With Adam, he plays because he can't not. It's who he is. And I'm completely proud of him because he won't sell out and take the X-factor route of entering the music industry (which, by the way, he'd win hands down). He's playing the little venues, but he's touching the hearts of those he plays to, and that's a pretty special gift to have in my book.
But look beyond that, or rather, closer than that, and music still exists with all its politics and passion and drive to get their message out to people. Unsigned bands, singers and musicians are out there every night of the week in every part of the country, being true to their music and everything it stands for. Yes, it's great seeing bands you know and love in stadiums and arenas, but take some time away from that and look at your local music scene. Chances are you'll find some amazing artists there that will touch your heart and soul.
Tonight I went to support my beautiful friend, A.dam A.sun.der play, supported by Skin For A Canvas. I'd not seen SFAC before, and was very impressed - they're lovely guys and they have created some truly great songs. Take some time to find them on youtube or facebook - they're well worth checking out.
I come to what I actually decided I wanted to blog about (finally)... A.dam A.sun.der. He's a very good friend, and yes, I do love my friends and will always speak well of them. But this I'm writing as independently of the 'friendship bias' as possible. Having said that, this sentence is full of friendship bias - I'm innately proud of Adam (forgive me, but I can't keep writing his full name with the correct punctuation!) for a number of reasons - one or two of which I'm not blogging about, they're his story to tell, not mine. I'm proud of the person he is, and the person he's becoming. I'm proud of the path he's walked, and is walking, it's not an easy one to take. Adam is true to his music as his music is part of the person he is. When he's playing and singing he does so with his whole self, his music is soulful - not like James Brown soul music, but rather, his soul is intrinsic throughout his music. It shows through by the fact that every time I see him playing, his tracks alter slightly from the last time he performed them. His heart impacts onto each and every performance, and each one reflects part of where he is at that point in time. It's not singing by rote which you can get with people who play and play with the end goal being 'to get famous' With Adam, he plays because he can't not. It's who he is. And I'm completely proud of him because he won't sell out and take the X-factor route of entering the music industry (which, by the way, he'd win hands down). He's playing the little venues, but he's touching the hearts of those he plays to, and that's a pretty special gift to have in my book.
My weekend, in bullet points:
- first 'lie in' for aaaages on Saturday- wide awake at 7.30
- early morning chatter on line
- cleaned, scrubbed, hoovered, dusted every square inch of my flat
- re-did a photo collage frame
- hung 3 new pictures on my 'random pictures' wall - they look cool
- watched The Boat That Rocked & gave myself permission to not do research at the same time
- met a friend for coffee in a surprisingly lovely coffee shop in Eastleigh
- dinner with my parents
- evening of chatter and chocolate with a beautiful friend
- cried as said beautiful friend is moving away in two months
- meditation
- sleep
- dissertation research
- tea and cake with a friend
- cancelled trip to art exhibition because of weather
- sorted through counselling paraphernalia
- dissertation research
- cleaned some silver
- had roast dinner
I'm on my last piece of coursework before dissertation time and then uni mark II is officially over. Other pieces have been harder than this one academically speaking, but this one has been the one that's been hardest to write. I've had a complete block to writing it - complete resentment over giving up any more of my time to it. Plus, the down side to having a postmodern tutor is that she gave no official title, no assessment guidelines or clear pointers as to what was needed. I'm actually only half way through it at the moment, but have decided that as I've finally gotten half way, it was a good time to deflect and procrastinate a bit more about having to do it rather than just getting on with it. Stupid thing is, the subject matter for this one is something that I'm actually really interested in. I think the thing I'm most fed up with is getting to 3.07 on a Sunday afternoon and feeling like I've had no weekend. Still having 1500 words to write also means I know I won't get anything of a weekend left by the time I've finished it either. Which is just another reason I'm not getting on with it rather than blogging about getting on with it.
One thing I have learnt in years of struggling with the crap in my head, is to forgive myself. So today I'm forgiving myself for what I've done, the physical pain is still there (as is the physical scar), but I'm letting go of the mental pain & lessening the mental scar (the pain I get from hating myself for doing it, for feeling like I've let myself and everyone else down). It's done, I can't change that. Best I can do is let it go & try a little harder to look after myself.
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