She could be, she could be, she could be so wrong

Two posts in 24 hours after only 1 this entire year... Must be on annual leave! On an aside about that, I am sure I wrote a couple of entries that are no longer on my blog, and one of them has chunks missing. I've also no idea what's going on with the text on my 30 songs page.  Which is all very weird.  

Anyway.

After falling asleep around 4.30 I got about 6 hours of reasonably uninterrupted sleep.  No disturbing dreams or nightmares last night so I'm happy with that  I've also woken up having found something else while I was asleep... yes, I found perspective!  

As per usual, the issue(s) lie(s) with with me. I do feel like I'm drifting away from some friends.  But that's okay.   It's happened before, I survived it, and it will happen again and again over the  years.  Instead of reading it as being that I'm rubbish and have frightened people off, I'm positively reframing (counsellor is back) the situation.  

I'm so blessed that a lot of my friends have been around for the majority of my life.  Which makes it all the stranger to think of life without them in it in the way they have been.  If we're meant to be friends forever, we will be.  If we're not, we won't.  And somehow in my 6 hours sleep I managed to find a degree of peace with that.  I'm still not happy or okay about it, but I'm on my journey there.  And that's as good as any of us can do.

I never knew her name, I only knew her fame

I remember hearing a character on a film saying a line roughly worded as "I'm surrounded by people every day, but have never felt so lonely".  I didn't really get it at the time.  Surrounded by people, voices filling your head, hands filling yours, heart reacting to their stories and anecdotes.  How could you possibly feel alone?
At 01.55 and for what feels like the millionth night in a row I can't sleep.  And at 01.55 the world feels like a fucking lonely place.  Marginally more so than my days do at the moment.  I've caught up with a few old friends recently - a couple of weddings, a good friend home from the north for a few days, others local that I've just not had chance to see.  So how can I be lonely?  How can I be alone?  Is there a difference between those two?  I'm not sure...
The trouble with seeing those lovely friends is the come down after.  That point where the silence is a little louder in my ears.  A little more stifling of breath.  
I've always struggled to believe my friends really want me in their lives.  That's not a reflection on them at all.  I adore my friends, each and every beautiful one of them and they're fantastic people.  It's a deep seated negative automatic thought linked to childhood bullying.  For the most part I can fight this feeling well.  Every now and again though it just gets a bit too tough.  I feel like I'm a bit of a spare part.  Their lives are moving on in whatever direction and the role I played is a bit surplus to requirements now.  I'm aware that is doing my friends a real disservice here.  And if any of them ever read this then I want you to know this is my screwed up head talking. 
It's also how I feel with my family too.  I feel alone in my little family.  Like I'm on this path running alongside but never converges and joins them.  Do you ever question the point of your existence? I don't mean in a suicidal way.  I mean literally the point of you... With Dad being poorly, and set to get worse, a few friends have said it's time for me to be able to give back.  Which is true.  But is it wrong that I don't want to do that?  I do, I obviously do want to help him and support my mum.  But I want to fall apart about it too.  I want to cry and kick things and run away.  I want to not feel like I have to go see my parents every day to help my mum.  
I'm not sure the point of this entry.  Other than writing has always helped me process and make sense of things.  I've not found an answer to this feeling.  In honesty I didn't expect to.  But it's my feeling, so for me to do something about it.  Just once I've figured out what that is...