I am 18 days away from the end of my Diploma of Higher Education in Humanist & Gestalt Counselling. This is the culmination of 5 and 1/2 years worth of work to get to this point. Well, not quite. Although the course ends in 12 days I still have another 48 hours of client work to do before I qualify. But as far as studying is concerned, this is the Big Kahuna. After that I get to call myself a counsellor, I can apply for counselling jobs, I can set myself up as a counsellor running my own business. And I've never been more terrified.
I've always had a plan of action, I've known what my next step is going to be and there's been a real safety in that. Now though, I'm out there, and I'm exposed and I have to feel my way in the dark. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm trying to see it as an adventure and to be excited by it, but right now it frightens me. The realisation that I may still be doing the same shitty job for some time is enough to make a girl hit the bottle on its own.
You know that feeling of enormity, when you know something bit is about to happen and you're not sure if it's going to be brilliant or awful? That's how I feel now. I don't think I've ever felt so much at a crossroads with my past and my future. And I have no idea where that future path will take me, because it's for me to mark the way.
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