I Was Up Above It, Now I'm Down In It

It seems to happen that each time I write confidently about being in a happier place that I end up feeling rubbish again.  Maybe it's because I make myself more conscious of how I'm feeling - if I hadn't written about being happier becoming easier, then I wouldn't be so acutely aware of how awful I feel at the moment.  Or maybe I would be, but I wouldn't be berating myself so much for feeling this way. Or maybe I wouldn't have had an internal fight with myself about blogging how I feel; feeling like I'm letting people down by being in this place.  I could have written this in my diary.  I could have written pages about how for the last five days I've exhausted myself trying to smile and make conversation with people, how I've lost count the number of times I've had to hold in the tears and used every ounce of strength I have to not cut.  The thing is though, I need people to know how I'm feeling.  I can't pick up the phone and text or ring someone and tell them (we're back to the 'letting people down'/'not being important enough to bother people' thing here), so I'm blogging it instead.  I'm not expecting people to comment or to contact me - that's not what this is about.  I just needed someone to know.  I guess the thought process behind that being I won't be so alone. 
I know logically that this won't last, that I'll come out of it again.  The trouble is I need to come out of it soon and I don't know what I can do to help that process because it's come (pretty much) out of the blue.