I remember hearing a character on a film saying a line roughly worded as "I'm surrounded by people every day, but have never felt so lonely". I didn't really get it at the time. Surrounded by people, voices filling your head, hands filling yours, heart reacting to their stories and anecdotes. How could you possibly feel alone?
At 01.55 and for what feels like the millionth night in a row I can't sleep. And at 01.55 the world feels like a fucking lonely place. Marginally more so than my days do at the moment. I've caught up with a few old friends recently - a couple of weddings, a good friend home from the north for a few days, others local that I've just not had chance to see. So how can I be lonely? How can I be alone? Is there a difference between those two? I'm not sure...
The trouble with seeing those lovely friends is the come down after. That point where the silence is a little louder in my ears. A little more stifling of breath.
I've always struggled to believe my friends really want me in their lives. That's not a reflection on them at all. I adore my friends, each and every beautiful one of them and they're fantastic people. It's a deep seated negative automatic thought linked to childhood bullying. For the most part I can fight this feeling well. Every now and again though it just gets a bit too tough. I feel like I'm a bit of a spare part. Their lives are moving on in whatever direction and the role I played is a bit surplus to requirements now. I'm aware that is doing my friends a real disservice here. And if any of them ever read this then I want you to know this is my screwed up head talking.
It's also how I feel with my family too. I feel alone in my little family. Like I'm on this path running alongside but never converges and joins them. Do you ever question the point of your existence? I don't mean in a suicidal way. I mean literally the point of you... With Dad being poorly, and set to get worse, a few friends have said it's time for me to be able to give back. Which is true. But is it wrong that I don't want to do that? I do, I obviously do want to help him and support my mum. But I want to fall apart about it too. I want to cry and kick things and run away. I want to not feel like I have to go see my parents every day to help my mum.
I'm not sure the point of this entry. Other than writing has always helped me process and make sense of things. I've not found an answer to this feeling. In honesty I didn't expect to. But it's my feeling, so for me to do something about it. Just once I've figured out what that is...
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