I handed my notice in today for my generic job in a generic team in a generic county council department. In truth I feel a bit mixed about it. I don't enjoy the job, trust me when I say I get absolutely no satisfaction from being stuck in an office all day charging people for their care - the care they need because they're sick, or old or dying. But it's a safe job. It's a job I know inside out and can do without a moments thought about what it is I'm doing. Also, up until this change of government, it was safe in terms that it's unlikely that charging for care will ever cease, and even if it does, then I'd get redeployed. Throughout all my training as a counsellor it's been my saftety blanket, I like that fact that it's something I'm very sure of and I'm very confident in my abilities of.
I've made amazing friends in my (almost) six years in my generic job. I've literally laughed until I've cried and cried until I've laughed with them. It's the people who are really what I'm going to miss. Some I'll keep in touch with for ever, others not so much. They're not people I'd usually necessarily cross paths with outside work. But I guess that's part of what makes work brilliant (or awful), you get to meet people who touch your lives in ways you never expect them to.
As of 31st August, I no longer have my safety blanket. Instead I have something better. I have my dream. For as long as I can remember, all I've wanted to do with my life is make a difference to somebody. To know that it's because of me that someone's life is a bit easier. Only now I've moved the goal posts. I don't want to do that for just one person. I want to do it for as many as I can. From September my working week will be solely comprised of living my dream and studying to continue developing my ability to live my dream as well as I possibly can.
So bring on the fear, the uncertainty, the self doubt, because I'm ready!
Five Is A Magic Number
I randomly got into a conversation of favourite ever albums the other day with Rob following a mutually held respect for Faith No More. For the last couple of days I've been musing over my favourite albums, or more specifically my top 5. I have had some difficulties creating this list though, not least because I own over 600 Cd's and would be lost without any one of them! The other reason being that I've literally thought too much about it. Should I go with my gut reactions and make my top 5 from the first five albums I think of? Should it be a top 5 based entirely on the musical content, or can I take into account (should I take into account) loving an album because of memories attached and feelings evoked? So I decided to just type, and whatever five I end up putting on here will be today's Top Five - they won't necessarily be yesterdays or tomorrows, but they work for here and now (not in any particular order though)....
1). Ixnay On The Hombre - The Offspring
I remember the first time I heard this album, I remember everything about that moment. I was in the IT room behind Mr Coombs's and opposite Mrs Aukland's at school - year ten, summer time, 3 computers down on the left side of the room and Jon sat to my right. Sun was shining in my eyes and couldn't properly see the album cover for the CD Jon was passing me earphones to listen to. You know that feeling you get from a truly amazing album - like you know your life will never be quite the same again? My skin tingles now thinking about it. Every moment of that album from The Disclaimer at the start to the very last chord is immense: there are no weak moments in this album, no fillers, no songs that wouldn't be missed if you skip them each time. It's a heady mix of comedy, heartbreak, dissatisfaction, acceptance and anarchy all wrapped up in some of the most intelligently produced punk to ever be exported from America's west side. If I think about this too much, I will start wavering and wondering if I should be putting Smash here instead. So I'm not thinking about it. Smash is awesome, but Ixnay just has my heart.
2). 03.07.2006 Beaulieu - The Who
It was my intention to not put albums here because of an event, but I can't not add this one to the list. It's a live recorded CD produced when The Who played in the remains of Beaulieu Abbey. It. Was. Incredible. I've grown up with The Who (not literally... man that would be awesome..), my Dad has always been a massive fan - quite likely to be the biggest fan in history to not actually don a Parker and have some kind of RAF insignia somewhere about his property! I remember being very young and asking him to explain the story of Tommy, and why if he was poorly his Mum would take him to an acid Queen - she doesn't sound like a proper doctor or anything. I digress. For me there's something in the music from that era that is so often missing in modern music - especially the mass-produced bollocks that saturates the charts these days. I guess it comes from how easy it is to churn out tracks that are commercially viable and acceptable, and don't have to be worked on for months to make them perfect because at the flick of a button they will be pitch or timing perfect. In those days, making a single really was a bit thing, and the charts meant something, these days this weeks top ten will be forgotten next week. I digress again. The point is, The Who created the kind of songs that span decades, they don't sound old or simplistic or outdated when listened to 40 years after they were written. And watching Pete Townsend windmilling in the abbey grounds with the sunsetting behind him is possibly the most transcendental moment of my life.
3). Generation Terrorists - Manic Street Preachers
Possibly a controversial choice here. For someone who was trying not to pick albums for memory reasons, I'm not doing a very good job, because this album is all about the end of my first year at Cardiff Uni. Or at least it was. Now it's something so much more than that. This album was the first of the 'pre-Ritchie disappearing' albums that I really connected with. So it deserves to be on the list if nothing more than because it meant I then fell totally in love with The Holy Bible, Gold Against The Soul and New Art Riot EP. I don't know if it's a genetic Welsh thing, but for me can feel the Welshness in this album - the sense of loss that so envelopes families from the South Wales valleys, the jaded look about the towns that have boarded up windows and cracked, fading paint on the sills of the boarded up windows. At the same time there's this punky anarchistic thread of the disaffected youth that I so identified with as a screwed up disillusioned, dissatisfied teenager. Being totally honest, it's a feeling I do still very much identify with, and in many ways don't want to ever lose. This album reminds me that - it reminds to not accept things as they are if I don't like them, to rage against the man and the machine, to fight for what I believe in. To fight for me.
Now I'm struggling, two spots left and many many albums that I want to fill them with. Going to have to do an 'ooh and also...' list at the end.
4). Pulp - Different Class
I've spent years ribbing Jenn for her love of all things indie. And I'm putting an indie album in my top 5. But when it's as good as Different Class I defy anyone to not put it in their top 5. It's a classy, polished, intelligently crafted album. It is the very essence of Brit-pop, for me more so than Oasis or Blur (both of which are likely to be getting honorable mentions later!). Listening to it, sounds like I'm listening to the late nineties. Like Ixnay, Different Class has no weak songs - each one is as deserving as the next to be on that album, and could have been released as a single to be very proud of. I love the story telling nature of this album, the lyrics create such vivid scenes and the music puts colour to them. Having said that though, there's still enough space to put your own interpretation to them, and therefore get that feeling that they're story-telling about your life. Plus, literally every time I hear F.E.E.L.I.N.G.CA.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E. I am back at Reading Festival with them playing that song for about fifteen minutes, and every time it makes me melt.
5). Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar
So no Top 5 list of mine would be complete with out a metal album in it. It was my first musical love, and will never fail to reach places other music just can't quite get to. I procrastinated for quite some time over which type of metal should get this coveted position, then which band, let alone which album. Given that I've already gone on for quite some time, I'm not going to write about the mental argument I had with myself on making this decision. Antichrist Superstar is just hands down a phenomenal piece of musical theatre. Take away all the bullshit you hear in the media about Marilyn Manson, and all the shock techniques he uses to keep all the idiots at a distance, and underneath it all is a creative genius. Forgive me for ignoring the other band members for a moment while I concentrate on the man himself. MM created a unique piece of musical history here, with the help and guidance of the astoundingly talented Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails fame. It's an album unlike anything else, it can (and has) made me cry, made me angry, made me feel less alone, and perhaps oddly has made me proud. I'm proud to say I looked beyond the defenses he puts out there, because this album is so worth looking for.
The 'ooh and also' list.....
Korn - Life Is Peachy
System Of A Down - System Of A Down
Stereophonics - Word Gets Around
Nirvana - pretty much everything they've done
Placebo - Without You I'm Nothing
Eminem - The Marsall Mathers LP
The Streets - Original Pirate Material
The Offspring - Smash
Metallica - Black Album
Metallica - Death Magnetic
Funeral For A Friend - Casually Dressed & Deep In Conversation
Live - A Distance To Here
Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine
Sex Pistols - Kiss This
Reef - Glow
Foo Fighters - The Colour & The Shape
Eels - Beautiful Freak
Manic Street Preachers - all the rest of their albums
I could go on.............
1). Ixnay On The Hombre - The Offspring
I remember the first time I heard this album, I remember everything about that moment. I was in the IT room behind Mr Coombs's and opposite Mrs Aukland's at school - year ten, summer time, 3 computers down on the left side of the room and Jon sat to my right. Sun was shining in my eyes and couldn't properly see the album cover for the CD Jon was passing me earphones to listen to. You know that feeling you get from a truly amazing album - like you know your life will never be quite the same again? My skin tingles now thinking about it. Every moment of that album from The Disclaimer at the start to the very last chord is immense: there are no weak moments in this album, no fillers, no songs that wouldn't be missed if you skip them each time. It's a heady mix of comedy, heartbreak, dissatisfaction, acceptance and anarchy all wrapped up in some of the most intelligently produced punk to ever be exported from America's west side. If I think about this too much, I will start wavering and wondering if I should be putting Smash here instead. So I'm not thinking about it. Smash is awesome, but Ixnay just has my heart.
2). 03.07.2006 Beaulieu - The Who
It was my intention to not put albums here because of an event, but I can't not add this one to the list. It's a live recorded CD produced when The Who played in the remains of Beaulieu Abbey. It. Was. Incredible. I've grown up with The Who (not literally... man that would be awesome..), my Dad has always been a massive fan - quite likely to be the biggest fan in history to not actually don a Parker and have some kind of RAF insignia somewhere about his property! I remember being very young and asking him to explain the story of Tommy, and why if he was poorly his Mum would take him to an acid Queen - she doesn't sound like a proper doctor or anything. I digress. For me there's something in the music from that era that is so often missing in modern music - especially the mass-produced bollocks that saturates the charts these days. I guess it comes from how easy it is to churn out tracks that are commercially viable and acceptable, and don't have to be worked on for months to make them perfect because at the flick of a button they will be pitch or timing perfect. In those days, making a single really was a bit thing, and the charts meant something, these days this weeks top ten will be forgotten next week. I digress again. The point is, The Who created the kind of songs that span decades, they don't sound old or simplistic or outdated when listened to 40 years after they were written. And watching Pete Townsend windmilling in the abbey grounds with the sunsetting behind him is possibly the most transcendental moment of my life.
3). Generation Terrorists - Manic Street Preachers
Possibly a controversial choice here. For someone who was trying not to pick albums for memory reasons, I'm not doing a very good job, because this album is all about the end of my first year at Cardiff Uni. Or at least it was. Now it's something so much more than that. This album was the first of the 'pre-Ritchie disappearing' albums that I really connected with. So it deserves to be on the list if nothing more than because it meant I then fell totally in love with The Holy Bible, Gold Against The Soul and New Art Riot EP. I don't know if it's a genetic Welsh thing, but for me can feel the Welshness in this album - the sense of loss that so envelopes families from the South Wales valleys, the jaded look about the towns that have boarded up windows and cracked, fading paint on the sills of the boarded up windows. At the same time there's this punky anarchistic thread of the disaffected youth that I so identified with as a screwed up disillusioned, dissatisfied teenager. Being totally honest, it's a feeling I do still very much identify with, and in many ways don't want to ever lose. This album reminds me that - it reminds to not accept things as they are if I don't like them, to rage against the man and the machine, to fight for what I believe in. To fight for me.
Now I'm struggling, two spots left and many many albums that I want to fill them with. Going to have to do an 'ooh and also...' list at the end.
4). Pulp - Different Class
I've spent years ribbing Jenn for her love of all things indie. And I'm putting an indie album in my top 5. But when it's as good as Different Class I defy anyone to not put it in their top 5. It's a classy, polished, intelligently crafted album. It is the very essence of Brit-pop, for me more so than Oasis or Blur (both of which are likely to be getting honorable mentions later!). Listening to it, sounds like I'm listening to the late nineties. Like Ixnay, Different Class has no weak songs - each one is as deserving as the next to be on that album, and could have been released as a single to be very proud of. I love the story telling nature of this album, the lyrics create such vivid scenes and the music puts colour to them. Having said that though, there's still enough space to put your own interpretation to them, and therefore get that feeling that they're story-telling about your life. Plus, literally every time I hear F.E.E.L.I.N.G.CA.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E. I am back at Reading Festival with them playing that song for about fifteen minutes, and every time it makes me melt.
5). Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar
So no Top 5 list of mine would be complete with out a metal album in it. It was my first musical love, and will never fail to reach places other music just can't quite get to. I procrastinated for quite some time over which type of metal should get this coveted position, then which band, let alone which album. Given that I've already gone on for quite some time, I'm not going to write about the mental argument I had with myself on making this decision. Antichrist Superstar is just hands down a phenomenal piece of musical theatre. Take away all the bullshit you hear in the media about Marilyn Manson, and all the shock techniques he uses to keep all the idiots at a distance, and underneath it all is a creative genius. Forgive me for ignoring the other band members for a moment while I concentrate on the man himself. MM created a unique piece of musical history here, with the help and guidance of the astoundingly talented Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails fame. It's an album unlike anything else, it can (and has) made me cry, made me angry, made me feel less alone, and perhaps oddly has made me proud. I'm proud to say I looked beyond the defenses he puts out there, because this album is so worth looking for.
The 'ooh and also' list.....
Korn - Life Is Peachy
System Of A Down - System Of A Down
Stereophonics - Word Gets Around
Nirvana - pretty much everything they've done
Placebo - Without You I'm Nothing
Eminem - The Marsall Mathers LP
The Streets - Original Pirate Material
The Offspring - Smash
Metallica - Black Album
Metallica - Death Magnetic
Funeral For A Friend - Casually Dressed & Deep In Conversation
Live - A Distance To Here
Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine
Sex Pistols - Kiss This
Reef - Glow
Foo Fighters - The Colour & The Shape
Eels - Beautiful Freak
Manic Street Preachers - all the rest of their albums
I could go on.............
This Note Is Marked Return To Sender
I usually have a few books on the go, I like to be able to pick up a book to suit my mood. At the moment I'm reading:
The last on the list has inspired this blog entry. It's a collection of letters that various famous people have written to their sixteen year old selves (as the title suggested!). It got me thinking about what I'd put in a letter to my sixteen year old self. Some of them in the book wrote about what happens in their future, but for me that's cheating, I wouldn't want to know what happens in my life before I live it. Others were written as a warning, some reflective on them at that time of their lives, some were advisory. Many of them are bittersweet - funny with a hint of wistfulness for a time long gone and that essence of everything that goes into the makeup of a sixteen year old psyche and view on life.
So this is my attempt at a letter to my sixteen year old self....
Dear Me
Hiya! You'll have noticed that I haven't called you a name. That's because your name is a bit of an issue for you at the moment, and I'm not sure which vernacular I should be using to write to myself... friendly, family, authoritative... and I don't want to offend this early into your letter!
You'll also notice that I'm (we're??) still using a lot of punctuation (possibly too much, but if that's the worst criticism someone can pin to my door then I'd say I'm doing pretty well). I like to think it adds character to things :)
I know that you understand a sideways smiley face (I believe they're called 'emoticons') after having spent aaaages trying to decipher it in a text from CB. If that hasn't happened yet, then just to clarify, you'll meet a great lad with those initials and you'll get your own mobile telephone that has this application that means you can text other people on their mobiles - kind of like paging but two way.
I digress... So I know you're going through a hard time at the moment, I'm not going to tell you how things with your Dad pan out or what happens with the whole self harm thing. That's a path for you to figure out on your own, but I will tell you I'm not writing this from inside an institution or from beyond the grave so hold onto the knowledge that things get easier for you.
One thing I will say though is to cherish every moment you can with Gran. Listen to her stories about Grandad and their lives. Ask those questions about her early life - those ones that will paint a picture of her so much beyond the image of her as your grandmother. And in Grandma's lucid moments, do the same with her. There's so much they can tell you, and you'll wish you could have learnt from them. By now it's already too late to do that with both Grandad's and Great Gran, so make the most of them.
Keep loving music, it paints the colour of your life so make sure it's present in every part of it. Stay true to who you are, even though I know right now you don't have much a clue of who that is. Oh, and in the Easter holidays in your second year at college you'll go to a party at IY's - kiss SO, you'll always regret not kissing him. Trust me!
That brings me to my last pearl of wisdom: don't let your insecurities and paranoia get the better of you, it's the things you don't do that you'll regret the most.
Oh, and just a sneak preview - by the time you're 28 you'll have dyed your hair pinker than flamingos and had a ring pierced through your nipple....
Take care of yourself (myself??)
Me xxx
- Dead Until Dark - Charlane Harris
- Auschwitz: The Nazi's And The Final Solution - Laurence Rees
- Beyond Fear & Control: Working with Young People Who Self Harm - Helen Spandler & Sam Warner
- Dear Me: A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self - Joseph Galliano
The last on the list has inspired this blog entry. It's a collection of letters that various famous people have written to their sixteen year old selves (as the title suggested!). It got me thinking about what I'd put in a letter to my sixteen year old self. Some of them in the book wrote about what happens in their future, but for me that's cheating, I wouldn't want to know what happens in my life before I live it. Others were written as a warning, some reflective on them at that time of their lives, some were advisory. Many of them are bittersweet - funny with a hint of wistfulness for a time long gone and that essence of everything that goes into the makeup of a sixteen year old psyche and view on life.
So this is my attempt at a letter to my sixteen year old self....
Hiya! You'll have noticed that I haven't called you a name. That's because your name is a bit of an issue for you at the moment, and I'm not sure which vernacular I should be using to write to myself... friendly, family, authoritative... and I don't want to offend this early into your letter!
You'll also notice that I'm (we're??) still using a lot of punctuation (possibly too much, but if that's the worst criticism someone can pin to my door then I'd say I'm doing pretty well). I like to think it adds character to things :)
I know that you understand a sideways smiley face (I believe they're called 'emoticons') after having spent aaaages trying to decipher it in a text from CB. If that hasn't happened yet, then just to clarify, you'll meet a great lad with those initials and you'll get your own mobile telephone that has this application that means you can text other people on their mobiles - kind of like paging but two way.
I digress... So I know you're going through a hard time at the moment, I'm not going to tell you how things with your Dad pan out or what happens with the whole self harm thing. That's a path for you to figure out on your own, but I will tell you I'm not writing this from inside an institution or from beyond the grave so hold onto the knowledge that things get easier for you.
One thing I will say though is to cherish every moment you can with Gran. Listen to her stories about Grandad and their lives. Ask those questions about her early life - those ones that will paint a picture of her so much beyond the image of her as your grandmother. And in Grandma's lucid moments, do the same with her. There's so much they can tell you, and you'll wish you could have learnt from them. By now it's already too late to do that with both Grandad's and Great Gran, so make the most of them.
Keep loving music, it paints the colour of your life so make sure it's present in every part of it. Stay true to who you are, even though I know right now you don't have much a clue of who that is. Oh, and in the Easter holidays in your second year at college you'll go to a party at IY's - kiss SO, you'll always regret not kissing him. Trust me!
That brings me to my last pearl of wisdom: don't let your insecurities and paranoia get the better of you, it's the things you don't do that you'll regret the most.
Oh, and just a sneak preview - by the time you're 28 you'll have dyed your hair pinker than flamingos and had a ring pierced through your nipple....
Take care of yourself (myself??)
Me xxx
I Wish It Was Sunday, Because That's My Fun Day
I had a lovely day yesterday, so thought I'd blog it in order to preserve it for the archives of my history! It wasn't particularly an amazing day insomuch as I didn't meet my idols or jump on a plane to anywhere my money in my pocket would take me. But it was a fulfilling day, one of those 'chicken soup' kind of days if you know what I mean. I woke quite early so spent a couple of hours curled up reading a book I didn't expect to enjoy half as much as I am (it's a book club book and not one I'd usually pick off a shelf to read, but I guess that's the point of book clubs). Then I went for a wonder around M&S, and drove there with my car roof down, sun shining and Metallica's Death Magnetic playing ear bleedingly loud. I digress slightly here to just write briefly about Death Magnetic. Like the book, it wasn't an album I was expecting to fall in love with. Quite often now I've found myself appreciating Metallica's work rather than really feeling something for it. I *love* their early work, but later stuff not so much. Death Magnetic has really grown on me without me noticing, and has become one of my favourite album purchases of the year for sure.
Back to yesterday.... I spent the afternoon in the sunny back garden belonging to Caroline and Ian, relaxing, laughing, eating barbeque, watching the kids running about enjoying the summery weather. Despite the sunburn (which almost 24 hours on is still hot to the touch and somewhat lobster-y in colour), and not booking our holiday (because of the volcano ash thing) the afternoon was exactly what I needed.
And from there I went to my parents to see my aunt and uncle who were visiting for the day. They're the kind of family that isn't a hassle to be around, you can just relax and have fun with them. I've not seen them since Christmas so was nice to sit and have a cuppa and a catch up with them.
The evening from then consisted of Time Team geekery and another hour or so of reading my book before having a really good night sleep (without nightmares and semi-awake hallucinations - hurrah!).
So that was my day. Nothing spectacular as I said, but was a great day nonetheless.
Back to yesterday.... I spent the afternoon in the sunny back garden belonging to Caroline and Ian, relaxing, laughing, eating barbeque, watching the kids running about enjoying the summery weather. Despite the sunburn (which almost 24 hours on is still hot to the touch and somewhat lobster-y in colour), and not booking our holiday (because of the volcano ash thing) the afternoon was exactly what I needed.
And from there I went to my parents to see my aunt and uncle who were visiting for the day. They're the kind of family that isn't a hassle to be around, you can just relax and have fun with them. I've not seen them since Christmas so was nice to sit and have a cuppa and a catch up with them.
The evening from then consisted of Time Team geekery and another hour or so of reading my book before having a really good night sleep (without nightmares and semi-awake hallucinations - hurrah!).
So that was my day. Nothing spectacular as I said, but was a great day nonetheless.
I Was Up Above It, Now I'm Down In It
It seems to happen that each time I write confidently about being in a happier place that I end up feeling rubbish again. Maybe it's because I make myself more conscious of how I'm feeling - if I hadn't written about being happier becoming easier, then I wouldn't be so acutely aware of how awful I feel at the moment. Or maybe I would be, but I wouldn't be berating myself so much for feeling this way. Or maybe I wouldn't have had an internal fight with myself about blogging how I feel; feeling like I'm letting people down by being in this place. I could have written this in my diary. I could have written pages about how for the last five days I've exhausted myself trying to smile and make conversation with people, how I've lost count the number of times I've had to hold in the tears and used every ounce of strength I have to not cut. The thing is though, I need people to know how I'm feeling. I can't pick up the phone and text or ring someone and tell them (we're back to the 'letting people down'/'not being important enough to bother people' thing here), so I'm blogging it instead. I'm not expecting people to comment or to contact me - that's not what this is about. I just needed someone to know. I guess the thought process behind that being I won't be so alone.
I know logically that this won't last, that I'll come out of it again. The trouble is I need to come out of it soon and I don't know what I can do to help that process because it's come (pretty much) out of the blue.
I know logically that this won't last, that I'll come out of it again. The trouble is I need to come out of it soon and I don't know what I can do to help that process because it's come (pretty much) out of the blue.
I Know It Sounds Absurd, But Please Tell Me Who I Am
I was going to write something profound for my hundredth blog entry. But this is 101 so clearly I missed that. Perhaps that's profound in itself..... Anyway.... When I started this blog on 15 November 2007 I didn't know what to put in a blog, how to write it, how often to write it, or the point in writing it. Two years and four months on I've found my answers: I write what I want, however I want, whenever I want and the point of it being because I want or need to write things down. Writing has always been an incredibly cathartic process for me - poetry, diary entries, short stories, letters that I have no intention of sending - and blog entries can now be added to that list. It's a different style of writing, a different style of being honest to the world and to explore my head and my heart. On some occasions I've been able to be more open and honest on here than I have face-to-face with people. And maybe that's because some things are too hard to say to people. Or because I literally can't say it to people - those who are no longer part of my life, or part of this world.
In some ways I made a rod for my own back with this blog by calling it 'telling the truth'. I guess I felt it was time to face myself and my life and figure out what my truth actually is. Little did I know where that journey would take me. Little do I know where that journey will continue to take me.
One thing continues to puzzle me though with my blog. And that is that people who don't know me from Adam 'follow' it. I don't understand why really. That's probably part of my not understanding why people would want to be my friends thing coming through. But really though? What's so interesting about what I have to say that people actually want to read it?
So to update entry number one from 15 November 2007, I still work a generic job surrounded by a suffocating abyss of polyester nothingness. But I only work that job 2 days a week. The other 3 days I get to do what makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I'm finally making a difference to this world, that my life has a meaning and that I won't leave this world without having made an impression on it. Okay so it's not an impression that is going to be on history curriculums in a hundred or two hundred or three hundred years time. And that's okay with me, because I know that thanks to me in my role as Youth Worker there is a young person alive in this world that wouldn't be without the help and support I gave them. Pretty humbling really, knowing that.
So two years and four months on am I happy? Is life still tough? I could go with my default depressive stance and say the answers are 'no' and 'yes'. That wouldn't be true though. Am I happy? Not all the time, probably not even most of the time. But yes, I do have moments when I can put my hand on my heart and say I'm truly happy. And that feeling takes my breath away. Is life still tough? Sure, but I think it always will be. I'm okay with that though, because like the happiness thing fluctuates, so does the toughness. It's getting easier, or maybe it's just getting easier to handle. Either way, life doesn't seem quite so much the effort it was 100 blog entries ago.
In some ways I made a rod for my own back with this blog by calling it 'telling the truth'. I guess I felt it was time to face myself and my life and figure out what my truth actually is. Little did I know where that journey would take me. Little do I know where that journey will continue to take me.
One thing continues to puzzle me though with my blog. And that is that people who don't know me from Adam 'follow' it. I don't understand why really. That's probably part of my not understanding why people would want to be my friends thing coming through. But really though? What's so interesting about what I have to say that people actually want to read it?
So to update entry number one from 15 November 2007, I still work a generic job surrounded by a suffocating abyss of polyester nothingness. But I only work that job 2 days a week. The other 3 days I get to do what makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I'm finally making a difference to this world, that my life has a meaning and that I won't leave this world without having made an impression on it. Okay so it's not an impression that is going to be on history curriculums in a hundred or two hundred or three hundred years time. And that's okay with me, because I know that thanks to me in my role as Youth Worker there is a young person alive in this world that wouldn't be without the help and support I gave them. Pretty humbling really, knowing that.
So two years and four months on am I happy? Is life still tough? I could go with my default depressive stance and say the answers are 'no' and 'yes'. That wouldn't be true though. Am I happy? Not all the time, probably not even most of the time. But yes, I do have moments when I can put my hand on my heart and say I'm truly happy. And that feeling takes my breath away. Is life still tough? Sure, but I think it always will be. I'm okay with that though, because like the happiness thing fluctuates, so does the toughness. It's getting easier, or maybe it's just getting easier to handle. Either way, life doesn't seem quite so much the effort it was 100 blog entries ago.
The Ghost Of A Steam Train - Echoes Down My Track
This reminded me of Him. And since I can't tell him, I'm blogging it instead...
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