Today has been unbelievably hard. Yesterdays relative state of numbness made me think that I was doing okay and was going to be strong and hold everyone else up instead. I eventually passed out around 2 this morning sobbing into my pillow. I woke up what felt like a hundred times between then and 8 when I gave in and got up. The first lot of tears came in the shower - I could write something symbolic about my tears and the water streaming down my face, but to be honest I couldn't care less about making it sound pretty right now. By 11.30 when I was leaving Fair Oak for Wales I'd been in tears 4 times. Totally exhausted and alone driving along the M4 wasn't much fun. For some reason as Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty came on my ipod I gave in to the tears again. Luckily I was 1/2 mile from the services so could stop rather than risking the lives of everyone around me too much. More tears driving into Pontnewydd, and many more when I pulled up outside my Grans bungalow. That was the moment I was dreading from the minute I knew she was dying - stepping into her home without her physically there but surrounded by her at the same time. If it weren't for the fact that I need to be here to help my Mum, I'd have bolted back to Fair Oak and hidden away until it was all over. My uncle and his wife came up - my uncle and my mum are very close, my Grandparents were more parents to him than his own were really so my Grans death has poleaxed him. Although it was good to see them I found myself largely tuning out what was being said and picking up random nicknack's Gran has lying around and fiddling with them instead. And crying. One point I curled up on the sofa and the pain I was in was hideous. I'd forgotten, or blocked out, that part of losing someone I love. That gut wrenching agony of crying like my heart was breaking apart and would never fit back together properly again.
I wish my sister was here with me. I need my sister to be here with me. Trouble is I can't ask her to be here because she needs to do what's right for her.
It's now 1am and I've slept about 7 hours since Friday night. I'm so tired I feel like I could sleep for days. I can't switch off though, I can't stop the thoughts and I can't handle the silence of being here in my room all alone. Nothing to distract me, nothing to fill that silence except my tears.
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