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Degree In Awesome
I officially finished degree number 2 today. Unlike the first one, this is one I'm actually really proud of myself for doing. It was hard work, non-stop since September 5th, but it was awesome. Fuck that, for today only, I'm willing to say I AM AWESOME!!
Endings has been quite a theme in my life at the moment. I've ended all my assessments for uni with the handing in of my dissertation today. We had our last 'proper' day in our group - all we have left now is our presentations which are held elsewhere on Saturday. I met with a uni friend I used to live with yesterday, so inevitably we got to talking about old times - friendships and relationships that have suffered the fates of time. Also, she told me the sad news that one of our acquaintances from uni days had killed himself. He was someone I knew, although didn't know well. What I did know of him though, was that he was lovely, kind, friendly, and treated my friend who he dated as a princess. He also let himself be maligned and thought ill of in order to protect my friends relationship with her sister - a rare example of selfless behaviour. Add to that, two of the young people I support having serious attempts at suicide last weekend. Luckily, that's two endings that have been avoided. For now.
A couple of days ago, Omar and Rob decided to set this up: http://awesometeam.posterous.com/. The premise being, to take time to post something awesome that happens in your day and to share it with other people. I joined mostly because I didn't want to be left out, and at the moment I couldn't say with any certainty whether I will post on it regularly or not. But that's besides the point. The point is that the existence of this site makes me both happy and sad.
I know I'm certainly guilty of looking on the gloomy side of life, so having my posterous app popping up a message when someone adds to the site, is a really good reminder to look on the bright side instead. It has made me think for the last two days more about the good things that are happening in my days.
The sadness comes from the fact that we don't share our happy stories, especially the small things. Yes, my comment this morning was superficial and probably nobody else cares, but it made me think about why I'd put on glittery eye liner and the reasons behind that decision made me smile and walk with a bounce in my step.
I know I'm certainly guilty of looking on the gloomy side of life, so having my posterous app popping up a message when someone adds to the site, is a really good reminder to look on the bright side instead. It has made me think for the last two days more about the good things that are happening in my days.
The sadness comes from the fact that we don't share our happy stories, especially the small things. Yes, my comment this morning was superficial and probably nobody else cares, but it made me think about why I'd put on glittery eye liner and the reasons behind that decision made me smile and walk with a bounce in my step.
Just printed out the final copy of my dissertation - all 75 pages of it on fancy thick paper. I don't find this easy to admit to myself, let alone say out loud or type so the world (or two people who read this) can see - but I'm really proud of myself. This year has been so hard, I've cried, shouted, screamed and have thrown things. I've been inspired, excited, motivated, and have learnt. If I had to do it again, I honestly don't know that I would. But I'm so very glad I've done it. My heart and soul has gone into this degree, and in particular this dissertation, and I'm completely proud of how much effort I've put into it, and in turn what I've produced.
It's time to look towards what's next. So what is next? Next is getting pro-active about either persuading management to pay me to work full time on LGBT, or figuring out how to set up a charity on my own...
It's time to look towards what's next. So what is next? Next is getting pro-active about either persuading management to pay me to work full time on LGBT, or figuring out how to set up a charity on my own...
There is most certainly a privilege to having a gender. Just ask someone who doesn't have a gender, or who can't pass, or who doesn't pass. When you have a gender, or when you are perceived as having a gender, you don't get laughed at in the street. You don't get beat up. You know which public bathroom to use, and when you use it, people don't stare at you or worse. You know which form to fill out. You know what clothes to wear. You have heroes and role models. You have a past.
Bornstein
Bornstein
And On, And On...
I feel like a stuck record. I finished working on my dissertation at 2.45 this morning, and am set to get up in not many hours to start on the next chapter of it. What I really need right now is to off load about this hideously overwhelming feeling of anxiety and fright that feels like it's enveloping my life. I tried to with my parents earlier, but instead, blinked back the tears, smiled and agreed with the comments my Mum was making that were designed to 'gee me along' and kindly meant. Kindly meant but entirely ineffectual.
I think people are probably very bored of hearing about this stupid dissertation (well, this year of uni as a whole really), and I don't expect them to have to put up with hearing about it anymore. So I've not tweeted or altered my FB status to indicate another nights exhaustion, anxiety, frustration (etc etc). Nothing changes, so why bother? Tomorrow will be the same as today.
Yes, I know it's all over in 19 days, but really, knowing that doesn't help right now. It terrifies me.
I think people are probably very bored of hearing about this stupid dissertation (well, this year of uni as a whole really), and I don't expect them to have to put up with hearing about it anymore. So I've not tweeted or altered my FB status to indicate another nights exhaustion, anxiety, frustration (etc etc). Nothing changes, so why bother? Tomorrow will be the same as today.
Yes, I know it's all over in 19 days, but really, knowing that doesn't help right now. It terrifies me.
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