I didn't write this quote, I read it on her0in-chic, but I love it - pretty much sums up everything I'd have written in a blog anyway...
And the worst thing is, you can’t tell. You can’t tell that the person beside you may be heart broken. You can’t tell if they are hurting all over. You can’t tell if they’re struggling to smile. You can’t if they just want to break down and cry. And the sad thing is; they wish you could tell.
A Soul In Tension That's Learning To Fly
Becoming a counsellor isn't a 9-5 job where you start it when you walk in, do the job and you leave it when you close the door behind you. You can't detach yourself from your work because knowing yourself and being aware of where you are in the processes is essential. Going back to studying counselling is exhilarating and exhausting, driving and draining all at once. On a Thursday evening my mind is buzzing with thoughts and increased awareness of who I am, how I am, where I am. It's also more tired than it's ever really been before. I thought having done the diploma and doing so much personal development work through that, and being a qualified counsellor, and having breezed through a degree before, that this degree wouldn't have such a huge impact. Got that one wrong then. Four weeks in and 36 hours of bloody intense work about counselling in contexts and I've got far more questions than I have answers. Today we were looking at the impact of parallel processing between client/counsellor/organisation. I've been feeling very unsettled in my life these last few weeks and not sure why. I had a light bulb moment today and realised parallel processing is going on between what I'm learning and how my life feels. Uni is fast, and busy, and intense, and scary, and overwhelming, and great, and exhausting, and lacking in time, and full of people I'm not sure on where I stand with, and limited contact to close friends, and revisiting introjects I'd rather pretend I didn't know about, and a huge feeling of responsibility to my job. Those words can all be used to describe exactly how my life feels too. Realising this has brought some degree of comfort - it's good to know what's causing these feelings and what they're actually about. Next step, figuring out how to ease the anxiety causing bits attached to uni and to work on grounding myself while I'm there to help it's affects on my world outside the classroom.
Let Us Pause In Life's Pleasures And Count Its Many Tears
A few days ago I wrote a blog off-loading about feeling let down and unloved by my sister. Events this week have put this into perspective somewhat. It's fair to say if I had to pick one of the hardest weeks of my life, this would be up there in my top ten for sure. I'm not going into details for a number of reasons, but in brief the cause of this upset being a few incidents at work around suicide and me feeling very helpless to limit the completely desperate pain someone was feeling. I don't think I've ever heard pain and complete desolation quite like that which was clear in the sound of their crying.
Wednesday lunchtime I'd had about as much as I could handle, and went for some fresh air (ahem, fag break - yes I've quit but I needed one so don't judge!). The tears started flowing and without consciously deciding to I rang my sister. She was calm, listened to me cry, talked to me about how I was feeling. She was soft and caring, yet practical about things in order to help me find a less wobbly place. Today she text, asking how I was feeling and if I was having a better day today. She may not ring for a chat, or text on situations like I wrote of before, but when she knows I'm in pain, she's there for me. And that's what's important in all this right? Sure it would be great if she thought of me randomly and picked up the phone, but then I'm making a judgement here that because I do it that it's the way to do things. When I need her though, she's always there, and that's what's brilliant about my sister.
Also, just as a follow on from that I want to mention my friends. I often feel pretty isolated and alone in this world. I know in reality I'm not, but that's my paranoia and low self worth raising it's head up there. This week my amazingly supportive and much leaned on best friend has found the words and ways to say things that get through to me in a way that pretty much nobody else can do. My colleagues have proved themselves to be far more than colleagues - sometimes it's ace working in a caring profession! And Omar with his post-it's that made me raise the only smile I could manage on Wednesday. So thank you, you're support and love has got me through these last few days. I owe you.
Wednesday lunchtime I'd had about as much as I could handle, and went for some fresh air (ahem, fag break - yes I've quit but I needed one so don't judge!). The tears started flowing and without consciously deciding to I rang my sister. She was calm, listened to me cry, talked to me about how I was feeling. She was soft and caring, yet practical about things in order to help me find a less wobbly place. Today she text, asking how I was feeling and if I was having a better day today. She may not ring for a chat, or text on situations like I wrote of before, but when she knows I'm in pain, she's there for me. And that's what's important in all this right? Sure it would be great if she thought of me randomly and picked up the phone, but then I'm making a judgement here that because I do it that it's the way to do things. When I need her though, she's always there, and that's what's brilliant about my sister.
Also, just as a follow on from that I want to mention my friends. I often feel pretty isolated and alone in this world. I know in reality I'm not, but that's my paranoia and low self worth raising it's head up there. This week my amazingly supportive and much leaned on best friend has found the words and ways to say things that get through to me in a way that pretty much nobody else can do. My colleagues have proved themselves to be far more than colleagues - sometimes it's ace working in a caring profession! And Omar with his post-it's that made me raise the only smile I could manage on Wednesday. So thank you, you're support and love has got me through these last few days. I owe you.
Keep Talkin' Happy Talk
A year ago this weekend my Gran died. By day it's a year today, by date a year tomorrow. I had Gran in my life for eight years longer than any other grandparent - she had eight years more of visits, letters, phone calls, post-cards and random drop-ins. Yet I feel like I hardly had a chance to tell her anything. I spoke to her every day for six months after my Grandad died, partly because she needed that contact and my Mum was too deep in her grief to do it. But mostly, it was because I wanted to. She became harder work as she got older - her opinions and old fashioned views became more entrenched, but I genuinely enjoyed her company. So today, making it over a year since I last spoke to her (it breaks my heart that I don't know what the last conversation I had with her was), I want to pick up that phone and natter with her so badly it makes my heart ache.
If I could call her, and have one more conversation, what would I say? Would I tell her I love her and that she's been an amazing teacher and inspiration? Would I ask her to re-tell all those stories about her life with my Grandad that I've heard so many times before? Would I fill her in on my job and uni because I know how proud sheis was of everything I did? I don't think I'd do any of those. My favourite times talking to Gran were when we talked about everything and nothing, we put the world to rights and swapped recipes, criticised the politicians and praised the celebs on Strictly Come Dancing, we'd make each other laugh - so much laughter. If I could talk to her, one last time, I'd make sure it was the best conversation ever: it would be like every other conversation we had where if you asked me what we'd spoken about I wouldn't be able to really tell you, but I'd know we'd had a lovely time chatting.
There aren't words to explain how much it hurts to know that's never going to happen.
If I could call her, and have one more conversation, what would I say? Would I tell her I love her and that she's been an amazing teacher and inspiration? Would I ask her to re-tell all those stories about her life with my Grandad that I've heard so many times before? Would I fill her in on my job and uni because I know how proud she
There aren't words to explain how much it hurts to know that's never going to happen.
We're The Children Of The Korn (Stop Fucking With Me)
Anybody who knows me in the world outside the Internet (yes, that's right kids, there IS a world away from the computer screen) will know family is something that's caused me a fair bit of heartache over the years. Honestly though, I don't know of anybody whose family-life is actually 'normal' - whatever normal actually means.
Sometimes I wish I could walk away from my family and never look back; just cut them out of my life and cut away all the pain and trauma they cause me, and live a simpler life without them. Unfortunately it's not that easy for me, trust me, I've tried that route and I can't switch off my emotions like that. Or maybe I don't want to. Maybe somewhere within me is the happy girl from my childhood that saw family as a happy, safe, fun and loving place to be and isn't ready to give that up yet.
Over the years the main cause of conflict in my family has swapped around a bit - starting with my aunt, then my dad for many years, another aunt and my sister. I actually have a lot of respect now for that first aunt. Me and my Dad can be a bit volatile (we both have a tendency to be very opinionated and stubborn) but on the whole it's a pretty happy set up. So I should have some hope for the other aunt and my sister, right? This is going to sound cold, but I'm just not that bothered about sorting things with my aunt. I don't see her often, and don't miss the fact that I don't see her either.
My sister though, that's another matter. I never seem to be able to walk away from her. I'm like that proverbial moth going back time and again to the flame that burns it every time. She has the ability to hurt me like pretty much nobody else on earth can. On the odd occasion she graces home with her presence I'm like a fucking puppy around her, bringing her toys and doing stupid things on the off chance that she'll throw some affection my way. I don't want her calling me every day, or us living in each other's pockets - it would be suffocating and is a totally unrealistic expectation. What I do want is to have a sister who picks up the phone or texts me occasionally because she wants me in her life. I finished one of my jobs on Thursday; it was an emotional and actually quite hard day. I did get a text from her - asking me if a friend of mine could get someone she knows on TV (long and quite dull story I'm not boring you with). She knew it was when I was finishing work, and she knows how hard I find endings. Not a word about that though, instead it was about her. Always about her. Actually that's a lie, it's always about her or my aunt and her kids and grandkids.
I think about my sister, I call her, I do things for her, I love her and I want her in my life. I thought that's what siblings did for each other. Apparently not.
Sometimes I wish I could walk away from my family and never look back; just cut them out of my life and cut away all the pain and trauma they cause me, and live a simpler life without them. Unfortunately it's not that easy for me, trust me, I've tried that route and I can't switch off my emotions like that. Or maybe I don't want to. Maybe somewhere within me is the happy girl from my childhood that saw family as a happy, safe, fun and loving place to be and isn't ready to give that up yet.
Over the years the main cause of conflict in my family has swapped around a bit - starting with my aunt, then my dad for many years, another aunt and my sister. I actually have a lot of respect now for that first aunt. Me and my Dad can be a bit volatile (we both have a tendency to be very opinionated and stubborn) but on the whole it's a pretty happy set up. So I should have some hope for the other aunt and my sister, right? This is going to sound cold, but I'm just not that bothered about sorting things with my aunt. I don't see her often, and don't miss the fact that I don't see her either.
My sister though, that's another matter. I never seem to be able to walk away from her. I'm like that proverbial moth going back time and again to the flame that burns it every time. She has the ability to hurt me like pretty much nobody else on earth can. On the odd occasion she graces home with her presence I'm like a fucking puppy around her, bringing her toys and doing stupid things on the off chance that she'll throw some affection my way. I don't want her calling me every day, or us living in each other's pockets - it would be suffocating and is a totally unrealistic expectation. What I do want is to have a sister who picks up the phone or texts me occasionally because she wants me in her life. I finished one of my jobs on Thursday; it was an emotional and actually quite hard day. I did get a text from her - asking me if a friend of mine could get someone she knows on TV (long and quite dull story I'm not boring you with). She knew it was when I was finishing work, and she knows how hard I find endings. Not a word about that though, instead it was about her. Always about her. Actually that's a lie, it's always about her or my aunt and her kids and grandkids.
I think about my sister, I call her, I do things for her, I love her and I want her in my life. I thought that's what siblings did for each other. Apparently not.
Rob Em All Naafi, ROB EM ALL (NAAFI)
The final installment in the mixtape trilogy, Rob's mixtape...
I Need You Tonight - Professor Green NICE!! In theory, I shouldn't like this song, but I can't not like it. It may not come as a surprise given the track name that this song samples the always fantastic INXS track. This is enough to sell it to me. PG himself did sound like a poor mans Eminem though.
White Diamonds - Friendly Fires I really like this track. It's quite pacey, it's lively and holds my interest. A well put together number in my opinion.
We Want You - New York Pony Club We're back to my age old issue with female vocalists here. I think the vocals get a bit drowned by the music that isn't really good enough in my opinion to stand alone without lyrical back-up. Don't get me wrong, it's not awful. It's just not my cup of tea. Also, being a song I'm just not interested in, it does seem to last a really long time!
Catch The Sun - Doves The last time I had anything to do with Doves I was in college and listening to the likes of Soulfly, Slayer, Korn, Marilyn Manson and Sepultura. Clearly Doves didn't really fit into my musical world at that point. The question is, do they now? Simple answer, I think maybe they do. Which, trust me, isn't an easy thing to admit, and will probably open me up to endless mocking from my indie-loving friends... This track does exactly what it says on the indie tin: it's jangly, pretty, has harmony bits, soft guitars, and some kind of tambourine.
Make It Wit Chu - Queens Of The Stone Age Aah, QOTS, a band that doesn't embarrass the metal-head within to admit liking. Happy days! It's a classy song, very well produced, and beautifully well executed by Josh Homme et al.
Crystallised - The XX Oh Rob, you were doing so well there... Really really not my cup of tea, sorry!
Dayvan Cowboy - Boards Of Canada It took a lot of self control to not skip this as it began, but I made a rule that I had to listen to every song all the way through, so I did.
Hayling - FC Kahuna See above comment. Just can't get excited by this in the slightest I'm afraid.
Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones I love The Rolling Stones. For me they're far more interesting than The Beatles; their music has an edge and a darkness to it that appeals to me. Paint It Black is still my favourite ever TRS track, but this may very well be in second place. Very good mixtape song choice.
Old Man - Neil Young Neil Young is one of a selection of artists that I grew up with. Not literally. Man that would have been cool... So the chances of me not liking this were very slim. This song sounds musically so simplistic which means you don't get distracted from the lyrics which are as relevant today as they were in 1972 (?). It's about realising how two people really aren't that different despite the age gap, how they feel the same things and think the same thoughts and need the same needs.
Paper Heart - Turin Brakes Now this was a surprise track for me. I don't generally have much time for Turin Brakes, but I do actually like this one. I don't know I could listen to a whole heap of it, but I like this as a stand alone song.
If You Stayed Over - Bonobo Starts off like Disney crossed with Native American peace pipes. Then seems to go into an oriental vibe before going elsewhere again. A bit confusing but not necessarily in a bad way. Glad it's short though, not sure I could cope with a long track!
PS, a bag of haribo for anyone who figures where the blog entry title comes from... :)
I Need You Tonight - Professor Green NICE!! In theory, I shouldn't like this song, but I can't not like it. It may not come as a surprise given the track name that this song samples the always fantastic INXS track. This is enough to sell it to me. PG himself did sound like a poor mans Eminem though.
White Diamonds - Friendly Fires I really like this track. It's quite pacey, it's lively and holds my interest. A well put together number in my opinion.
We Want You - New York Pony Club We're back to my age old issue with female vocalists here. I think the vocals get a bit drowned by the music that isn't really good enough in my opinion to stand alone without lyrical back-up. Don't get me wrong, it's not awful. It's just not my cup of tea. Also, being a song I'm just not interested in, it does seem to last a really long time!
Catch The Sun - Doves The last time I had anything to do with Doves I was in college and listening to the likes of Soulfly, Slayer, Korn, Marilyn Manson and Sepultura. Clearly Doves didn't really fit into my musical world at that point. The question is, do they now? Simple answer, I think maybe they do. Which, trust me, isn't an easy thing to admit, and will probably open me up to endless mocking from my indie-loving friends... This track does exactly what it says on the indie tin: it's jangly, pretty, has harmony bits, soft guitars, and some kind of tambourine.
Make It Wit Chu - Queens Of The Stone Age Aah, QOTS, a band that doesn't embarrass the metal-head within to admit liking. Happy days! It's a classy song, very well produced, and beautifully well executed by Josh Homme et al.
Crystallised - The XX Oh Rob, you were doing so well there... Really really not my cup of tea, sorry!
Dayvan Cowboy - Boards Of Canada It took a lot of self control to not skip this as it began, but I made a rule that I had to listen to every song all the way through, so I did.
Hayling - FC Kahuna See above comment. Just can't get excited by this in the slightest I'm afraid.
Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones I love The Rolling Stones. For me they're far more interesting than The Beatles; their music has an edge and a darkness to it that appeals to me. Paint It Black is still my favourite ever TRS track, but this may very well be in second place. Very good mixtape song choice.
Old Man - Neil Young Neil Young is one of a selection of artists that I grew up with. Not literally. Man that would have been cool... So the chances of me not liking this were very slim. This song sounds musically so simplistic which means you don't get distracted from the lyrics which are as relevant today as they were in 1972 (?). It's about realising how two people really aren't that different despite the age gap, how they feel the same things and think the same thoughts and need the same needs.
Paper Heart - Turin Brakes Now this was a surprise track for me. I don't generally have much time for Turin Brakes, but I do actually like this one. I don't know I could listen to a whole heap of it, but I like this as a stand alone song.
If You Stayed Over - Bonobo Starts off like Disney crossed with Native American peace pipes. Then seems to go into an oriental vibe before going elsewhere again. A bit confusing but not necessarily in a bad way. Glad it's short though, not sure I could cope with a long track!
PS, a bag of haribo for anyone who figures where the blog entry title comes from... :)
Their Ain't No Motive For This Crime, Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine
This is part two of a three part blog entry... see last entry to explain why...
The critique this time is on Jenn's contribution:
Ready To Start - Arcade Fire My first thought was along the lines of 'seriously? I have to listen to this again??' but by the end of it I've come to the conclusion that it's a grower of a song, and maybe (just maybe) I'd like to be able to sing along to it. (so apologies Omar, for being very critical of it on yours)
Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National The singers voice reminded me of Nick Cave, which is always going to be a good thing in my book. The song is unusual, it captured my interest from the start, and I loved the contrast between the jangly music and the bleakness of his voice. I was sad it ended.
Ambling Alp - Yeasayer It made my feet dance! I like it, it's cheery and electronica and the wobbly voice reminded me of Robin Gibb on 'I Started A Joke'.
Walk Tall - Kele This track has a military vibe which is fresh and modern, but not modern in a crappy way that so much music that saturates commercial radio. I think long term it's the kind of song I'll end up totally loving or getting totally annoyed with.
Cold War - Janelle Monae I've heard a bit of this song on Jenn's blog before and switched it off because I really really didn't like what I heard. Turns out it gets worse though! I will very highly likely be skipping this track in the future.
The Lines - Battles It was at this point in the mixtape that I began to despair! I'd really been enjoying the choices much more than I'd expected (sorry Jenn, you know that's not a dig, it's just our very different views on what's good musically - we tend to either agree 100% or be polar opposites). Enough said.
My Love - Sia Very promising start, beautiful piece of piano composition. Overall pretty good but would have much preferred it if it were a male singer.
Good Arms vs Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit At this point, I began to relax again, this song I like, in fact I like it enough to type 'ooh' as I was listening to it. Only one annoying point with it, which is that the singer's voice reminds me very much of someone but I can't place who!
Doubtful Comforts - Blue Roses I've never liked female singers. The only one's I've ever had much time for have been Amy Echo, Gwen Stefani, Tobey Torres, Brody Dalle and Tarrie B. So this surprised me. It's gorgeous, completely and utterly gorgeous. However, it did nearly lose me with the chorally bit kicking in around 2 minutes...
Bust On The Ground - Bombay Bicycle Club I don't have anything to say on this one really. Wasn't bad, certainly wasn't great. Left me very much indifferent to it.
Last Song - Clogs I was a bit sorry the singing kicked in on this because the music was enough on it's own really. I want to listen to it again, and to be able to listen to it in the dark with nothing and nobody interrupting it. Because I feel like it deserves that attention.
Next installment comes from the music of Rob...
The critique this time is on Jenn's contribution:
Ready To Start - Arcade Fire My first thought was along the lines of 'seriously? I have to listen to this again??' but by the end of it I've come to the conclusion that it's a grower of a song, and maybe (just maybe) I'd like to be able to sing along to it. (so apologies Omar, for being very critical of it on yours)
Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National The singers voice reminded me of Nick Cave, which is always going to be a good thing in my book. The song is unusual, it captured my interest from the start, and I loved the contrast between the jangly music and the bleakness of his voice. I was sad it ended.
Ambling Alp - Yeasayer It made my feet dance! I like it, it's cheery and electronica and the wobbly voice reminded me of Robin Gibb on 'I Started A Joke'.
Walk Tall - Kele This track has a military vibe which is fresh and modern, but not modern in a crappy way that so much music that saturates commercial radio. I think long term it's the kind of song I'll end up totally loving or getting totally annoyed with.
Cold War - Janelle Monae I've heard a bit of this song on Jenn's blog before and switched it off because I really really didn't like what I heard. Turns out it gets worse though! I will very highly likely be skipping this track in the future.
The Lines - Battles It was at this point in the mixtape that I began to despair! I'd really been enjoying the choices much more than I'd expected (sorry Jenn, you know that's not a dig, it's just our very different views on what's good musically - we tend to either agree 100% or be polar opposites). Enough said.
My Love - Sia Very promising start, beautiful piece of piano composition. Overall pretty good but would have much preferred it if it were a male singer.
Good Arms vs Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit At this point, I began to relax again, this song I like, in fact I like it enough to type 'ooh' as I was listening to it. Only one annoying point with it, which is that the singer's voice reminds me very much of someone but I can't place who!
Doubtful Comforts - Blue Roses I've never liked female singers. The only one's I've ever had much time for have been Amy Echo, Gwen Stefani, Tobey Torres, Brody Dalle and Tarrie B. So this surprised me. It's gorgeous, completely and utterly gorgeous. However, it did nearly lose me with the chorally bit kicking in around 2 minutes...
Bust On The Ground - Bombay Bicycle Club I don't have anything to say on this one really. Wasn't bad, certainly wasn't great. Left me very much indifferent to it.
Last Song - Clogs I was a bit sorry the singing kicked in on this because the music was enough on it's own really. I want to listen to it again, and to be able to listen to it in the dark with nothing and nobody interrupting it. Because I feel like it deserves that attention.
Next installment comes from the music of Rob...
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