Last night I had an urge. Given the fact that this is hard for me to write, I don't think I'm going to be any more explicit than that. Although, you've probably got a fair idea on what I'm talking about anyway. I get this feeling deep down that I know so well. It starts off so faint I'm barely aware that it's there. It creeps up on me, getting stronger, until I feel like it's got such a tight grip on me that if I don't fulfill this urge then it will send me mad. It's all I can think about, all I can see, it literally consumes every one of my senses. I lose all sense of reasoning and congition, I exist on a very basic level of need and desire. I caught myself in time last night. I was curled up and foetal, all my energy going into not connecting blade and skin.
I remember my first time completely. It changed my life entirely. I feel trapped by it, but feel free when I do it; I feel ashamed but also totally unashamed of my scars; I feel constricted by it but in control at the same time; I feel controlled by it and also in control of it. Given the physical and mental pain it has caused me (and still does cause me on a pretty much daily basis) would I go back and alter that day when I first did it at fourteen? No, I don't think I would.
I'm pleased with myself that last night I didn't do it. But I'm not ashamed that two weeks ago I did.
1 comment:
It's such a delicate situation. Sometimes not is easy and sometimes it's just not. I can associate with it being consuming. I've always said that there are times when I just have to, it's a compulsion. 'I need to do this because I don't know what the alternative is'.
Would I take any of it back? Never. Even though it's so hidden/unsaid, it's such a huge part of who I am now.
And in many respects, I don't think i'll ever be rid of it. It's a reaction I think i'll always have.
One day at a time right?
xxx
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