This Is a Weeping Song, A Song In Which To Weep

When my Grandad died one of his friends wanted to honour his memory by planting a tree in his name. My Grandad was quite an important man who brought industry and hope to a very depressed area. So it was because of this that his friend wanted his name and memory live on in the community he helped so much.
At some point between 1558 and 1603 Elizabeth I visited the Royal Forest of Dean and planted an oak tree. Ever since then it has been one of the jobs of the verderer to maintain the lineage - there always has to be some saplings healthy and ready to be planted in the event of disease or whatever hitting the mature royal oaks.
It was the verderer who was my Grandads friend and it was one of these saplings he used to honour him with.
It was a wet and cold winter morning when we gathered to help plant this tiny sapling in the arboretum next to Speech House. The rain mingling rather symbolically with my tears, and the cold being a good excuse for why my hands were shaking too much to be much use at spading up the mud. But then, at the age of twelve when you've just sat through a memorial service in a cathedral full of strangely important looking people for someone you've only ever known as your Grandad, I think it's justifiable to have been a little overwhelmed by the events that had been unfolding.
I've only been to the tree once since we planted it. For some reason I found visiting the tree so much harder than his grave. I know it's doing okay because my sister visits it quite a bit, but I find the idea of going to it so painful. I want to go, I want to see it growing into a beautiful strong tree, and I want to see the plaque they've finally agreed to let be put there.
My sister saw the tree this week and showed me a short video she'd taken of it this morning. It floored me totally. I was a mess, tears and snot pouring down my face. Crying with such a feeling of grief that I've not cried like in a very long time. My Grandad has been dead fifteen years, he's been missing from my life for longer than he was in it. I've cried so many tears for him over the years, as I have all those I've lost since. To cry with such pain and sadness after all this time really knocked me about. Why watching a thirty second video of his tree caused such a reaction in me, I've no idea.